Sunday, September 27, 2009

Hey, it's been a while...

And you don't even get anything funny. All you get is a recipe for magical vegan butternut squash soup, primarily because it's my own recipe, and I'm feeling rather proud of it. Here goes!

1 big ass butternut squash, peeled & chopped (the smaller you chop, the quicker it cooks, but the longer you chop)
1 big ass onion, cut up any old how you like
4 cups vegetable broth (barbarians can use chicken stock)
2 tbsp vegan margarine (yes, you could use butter)
2 tsp mild curry powder
1/2 tsp coriander
1/4 tsp oregano
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp white pepper
lil bit o' salt
1 bay leaf

Do this:
In a big pot, melt the butter & saute the onions over medium heat for about 10 minutes til they are all floppy & caramelized. Then throw everything else in. Make sure there is enough liquid to cover all the vegetables; if not, you can add more stock, or just water would be fine also. Simmer until the chunks of squash are mushy - the smaller your chunks, the sooner this will happen. Just give them a poke with your spoon and if they dent easily, they're ready. Fish out the bay leaf and discard it. Put half the squash chunks, onion, and broth into the blender and puree. Be careful of the steam building up in your blender - open the little hole on the blender's lid and cover with a kitchen towel so the steam can escape, thus avoiding explosion and injury. Pour the pureed goodness into a container, and repeat for the other half of the veggies & broth.

Eat. Thank me later.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Feminism Fail: Glamour Magazine

I know, you're going, "Feminism Fail? DUH! That's why they call it Glamour Magazine: An Illustrated Guide To How You Will Never EVER Be Thin, Beautiful, Or White Enough, Now With More Blowjob Tips That May Or May Not Keep Your Man (Because You Are Of Course Straight And Thus Interested In Such Activities!) From Cheating!!"

But seriously, these sneaky fuckers are trying to get all fat-acceptancey, and I am not buying it.

Oooh, look at this nice feel-good article -


Thank you, Glamour! Now that you have approved of a woman who is a good bit thinner, blonder, and whiter than many women, I, um, feel totally almost better about myself?

You are so totally pro-woman and stuff. I also really appreciate how you give me options such as: feeling good about myself the way I am, or, if that's not really my bag, you offer me a variety of alternatives, conveniently located in the margins of this very article.



I appreciate that. I like that they give me options. It's what choice is all about.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009




And now, we wait.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Get Smart (or don't, whatever sells): a film review

I gave the movie Get Smart approximately half an hour of my life, and in that time it has taught me several things:

- Bumbling, inexperienced men tend to be more capable than highly trained experienced women.
- Women tend to let their emotions interfere with their professional lives and other trifles such as national security. This is a good reminder as to why a woman should never be President.
- Fat people are funny. Fat women are REALLY funny, especially when portrayed in situations where you would normally expect to see only thin women, such as being asked to dance, or wearing a fancy dress, oh my goodness! Hilarity!
- Deaf people are hilarious as well, especially when they try to speak vocally. Silly deaf people, always mispronouncing shit!
- Brown people in turbans are highly likely to be bad guys. Especially when they are on planes.
- It is EXTREMELY HILARIOUS when it appears that two men might be gay! Especially gay with each other!!! Because of course you would never expect a man, let alone TWO MEN WHO HAPPEN TO BE IN THE SAME PLACE, to be gay in the first place, so like, WHOA!

Lest we forget how hilarious and absurd fat people, gays, and women are, Hollywood is here to remind us by recycling all those comfortably familiar stereotypes. Thanks, Hollywood!



Thank heavens I kept watching!! At the end of the movie, I also learned that it is totally funny to call grown men little girls!! Because as we all know, little girls turn into women, and what could POSSIBLY be worse than being a woman????? AHHAHAHAHAH!!!


Saturday, June 6, 2009

predictive text

Words I have had to teach my phone:
  • bagels
  • burrito
  • fuck

Words my phone already knew:

  • Jesus
  • ass

quotes of the yesterday

"I can't sign no papers. I gotta be LEGIT in '09!!!"
-- Client

"And you know I know he tryin' to talk to her because he's doing how I do when I wanna hold her with no clothes on!"
-- Client's boyfriend

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Why does Tyler Perry still have a job?


A scene from "Meet the Browns" - (Nice, Tyler Perry. Much more clever and subtle than "Meet the Blacks.")

[Scene - Wife is cooking breakfast. Tells husband she is preparing turkey bacon.]

Husband [in great surprise]: "Turkey bacon?! Cora, I didn't know pigs and turkeys be matin'!!!"


What. In. The. Hell.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

foodurday - homemade bagels!

Today I made deeeeelicious bagels. FOR. FREE. Or sort of free because I already had all the ingredients, so it felt free. I used the recipe found here. (BTW, give that URL a peek and notice that it says "nadrolled_water_bagels" - I don't have nads to roll with, so I just used my hands. Seemed to work okay.)

What I liked about this recipe is that it begins with just dumping all the ingredients in the bowl at the same time, but it's not easy to stir. I had to add about an extra 1/4 cup of water to the dough, but don't add any extra water til you can tell you definitely need it.

The dough looked all crumbly and awful, but once I kneaded it a little, it came together. Then I kneaded it for TEN FUCKING MINUTES because I do not have a KitchenAid stand mixer (HINT HINT HINT), and I got such a workout that I don't think I need to go to the gym today. Woot woot! Kneading is some hard fucking work.

Then divide it into eighths, which I did with a pizza cutter. Super easy.

Then I rolled them into balls. Heh. Balls.

NOW comes the hard part. After they've rested, if you want to do it the Right and Traditional and Respectable Way, you roll each ball out until it's a rope long enough to wrap around your hand with enough overlap to securely squish it closed into a loop, like so:

(This is a little different because the baker is working with one long roll of dough instead of little dough balls, but you get the idea.)

This is hard. I did it for the two of them on the far left of the picture below, but then I got irritated because I think my dough was a little too stiff or something because it didn't want to roll out worth a shit. SOOOO, I did it the Easy Way, which I found here. The Easy Way basically consists of squishing your thumb through the middle of the dough ball until you get a hole. Easy. Then because I am a culinary genius I figured out how to even it out and widen the hole without ripping the dough, of which method I have kindly provided an instructional video:


Then they need to rest a little while longer. Preheat the oven and get your big pot of water boiling. One of the recipes I read said the water needed to be barely simmering; the other didn't mention what manner of boil was appropriate. I tried both, and it seemed not to matter. Oh, ALSO, according to the recipes and photos, the bagels were supposed to sink and then float right back up when dropped into the water. This did not happen for me. They sank like rocks and stuck to the bottom, but I only had to loosen them off the bottom once right after they dropped, and then they were fine. They never actually floated UP, which made the flipping part rather moot. I was extremely concerned about this, and thought maybe my yeast didn't activate or something, but they turned out fine.

Okay, so after they boil for 2 minutes each, you can top them if you want. If not, you'll just have plain water bagels. I let mine drip on a cooling rack lined with paper towels for a minute til I could handle them, and then I squished them into a plate of coarse kosher salt, caraway seeds, and flax seeds.

Then I transferred them, topping side up, to a cookie sheet that I had sprayed and then dusted with cornmeal (this is not required, but suggested by the second recipe I linked above). I think just spraying the pan would have been fine.

Flip 'em after 10 minutes. This will not disturb the toppings (much).

And then eat them!! But let them cool first. I didn't, and I burned my mouth.

They actually taste more like a giant soft pretzel to me than an actual bagel, but giant soft pretzels are delicious, so whatever. Enjoy!

Note: If you're like my mom and track every calorie that passes your lips, these have a little over 200-250ish apiece. That includes the flax seed topping, which has more calories than I had thought it would, but they are quite good for you, I hear, so whatever.


This is a much better video for how to roll & twist them -

AND his dough looks totally different from mine. It was not nearly as pliable or stretchy, so I guess mine was too dry. I'll add more water next time, but as I said before, still yummers.



I think I forgot to put in the sugar. I bet that's why they are like giant pretzels. Whoops.

Friday, May 22, 2009

weirdest email ever

Remember my fabulous family trip to Gatorland, in which my family and I got to feed ravenous, bloodthirsty alligators, and in which Ryan threw a slab of rotten steak onto one unlucky alligator's back and ruined its life? OF COURSE YOU DO.

And in that post, I included this video, which is really pretty anti-climactic because it is all blurry and shiz, and you cannot really see the bloodthirstiness of the gators or even the flying steaks, but can only hear some crummy plopping noises, so you totally do not get a good view of the imminent danger we were in, and thus might actually think it was a video from the inside of a rather large public toilet.

Anyhooters, regarding that video, I received this email, which even I think is totally weird.