I gave the movie Get Smart approximately half an hour of my life, and in that time it has taught me several things:
- Bumbling, inexperienced men tend to be more capable than highly trained experienced women.
- Women tend to let their emotions interfere with their professional lives and other trifles such as national security. This is a good reminder as to why a woman should never be President.
- Fat people are funny. Fat women are REALLY funny, especially when portrayed in situations where you would normally expect to see only thin women, such as being asked to dance, or wearing a fancy dress, oh my goodness! Hilarity!
- Deaf people are hilarious as well, especially when they try to speak vocally. Silly deaf people, always mispronouncing shit!
- Brown people in turbans are highly likely to be bad guys. Especially when they are on planes.
- It is EXTREMELY HILARIOUS when it appears that two men might be gay! Especially gay with each other!!! Because of course you would never expect a man, let alone TWO MEN WHO HAPPEN TO BE IN THE SAME PLACE, to be gay in the first place, so like, WHOA!
Lest we forget how hilarious and absurd fat people, gays, and women are, Hollywood is here to remind us by recycling all those comfortably familiar stereotypes. Thanks, Hollywood!
------
VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE!!!!
Thank heavens I kept watching!! At the end of the movie, I also learned that it is totally funny to call grown men little girls!! Because as we all know, little girls turn into women, and what could POSSIBLY be worse than being a woman????? AHHAHAHAHAH!!!
*headdesk*
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
predictive text
Words I have had to teach my phone:
- bagels
- burrito
- fuck
Words my phone already knew:
- Jesus
- ass
quotes of the yesterday
"I can't sign no papers. I gotta be LEGIT in '09!!!"
-- Client
"And you know I know he tryin' to talk to her because he's doing how I do when I wanna hold her with no clothes on!"
-- Client's boyfriend
-- Client
"And you know I know he tryin' to talk to her because he's doing how I do when I wanna hold her with no clothes on!"
-- Client's boyfriend
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Why does Tyler Perry still have a job?
***
A scene from "Meet the Browns" - (Nice, Tyler Perry. Much more clever and subtle than "Meet the Blacks.")
[Scene - Wife is cooking breakfast. Tells husband she is preparing turkey bacon.]
Husband [in great surprise]: "Turkey bacon?! Cora, I didn't know pigs and turkeys be matin'!!!"
***
What. In. The. Hell.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
foodurday - homemade bagels!
Today I made deeeeelicious bagels. FOR. FREE. Or sort of free because I already had all the ingredients, so it felt free. I used the recipe found here. (BTW, give that URL a peek and notice that it says "nadrolled_water_bagels" - I don't have nads to roll with, so I just used my hands. Seemed to work okay.)
What I liked about this recipe is that it begins with just dumping all the ingredients in the bowl at the same time, but it's not easy to stir. I had to add about an extra 1/4 cup of water to the dough, but don't add any extra water til you can tell you definitely need it.
The dough looked all crumbly and awful, but once I kneaded it a little, it came together. Then I kneaded it for TEN FUCKING MINUTES because I do not have a KitchenAid stand mixer (HINT HINT HINT), and I got such a workout that I don't think I need to go to the gym today. Woot woot! Kneading is some hard fucking work.
Then divide it into eighths, which I did with a pizza cutter. Super easy.
Then I rolled them into balls. Heh. Balls.
NOW comes the hard part. After they've rested, if you want to do it the Right and Traditional and Respectable Way, you roll each ball out until it's a rope long enough to wrap around your hand with enough overlap to securely squish it closed into a loop, like so:
(This is a little different because the baker is working with one long roll of dough instead of little dough balls, but you get the idea.)
This is hard. I did it for the two of them on the far left of the picture below, but then I got irritated because I think my dough was a little too stiff or something because it didn't want to roll out worth a shit. SOOOO, I did it the Easy Way, which I found here. The Easy Way basically consists of squishing your thumb through the middle of the dough ball until you get a hole. Easy. Then because I am a culinary genius I figured out how to even it out and widen the hole without ripping the dough, of which method I have kindly provided an instructional video:
Results:
Then they need to rest a little while longer. Preheat the oven and get your big pot of water boiling. One of the recipes I read said the water needed to be barely simmering; the other didn't mention what manner of boil was appropriate. I tried both, and it seemed not to matter. Oh, ALSO, according to the recipes and photos, the bagels were supposed to sink and then float right back up when dropped into the water. This did not happen for me. They sank like rocks and stuck to the bottom, but I only had to loosen them off the bottom once right after they dropped, and then they were fine. They never actually floated UP, which made the flipping part rather moot. I was extremely concerned about this, and thought maybe my yeast didn't activate or something, but they turned out fine.
Okay, so after they boil for 2 minutes each, you can top them if you want. If not, you'll just have plain water bagels. I let mine drip on a cooling rack lined with paper towels for a minute til I could handle them, and then I squished them into a plate of coarse kosher salt, caraway seeds, and flax seeds.
Then I transferred them, topping side up, to a cookie sheet that I had sprayed and then dusted with cornmeal (this is not required, but suggested by the second recipe I linked above). I think just spraying the pan would have been fine.
Flip 'em after 10 minutes. This will not disturb the toppings (much).
And then eat them!! But let them cool first. I didn't, and I burned my mouth.
They actually taste more like a giant soft pretzel to me than an actual bagel, but giant soft pretzels are delicious, so whatever. Enjoy!
Note: If you're like my mom and track every calorie that passes your lips, these have a little over 200-250ish apiece. That includes the flax seed topping, which has more calories than I had thought it would, but they are quite good for you, I hear, so whatever.
_______________________________________________
EDIT:
This is a much better video for how to roll & twist them -
AND his dough looks totally different from mine. It was not nearly as pliable or stretchy, so I guess mine was too dry. I'll add more water next time, but as I said before, still yummers.
_______________________________________________
OMG EDIT # 2:
I think I forgot to put in the sugar. I bet that's why they are like giant pretzels. Whoops.
What I liked about this recipe is that it begins with just dumping all the ingredients in the bowl at the same time, but it's not easy to stir. I had to add about an extra 1/4 cup of water to the dough, but don't add any extra water til you can tell you definitely need it.
The dough looked all crumbly and awful, but once I kneaded it a little, it came together. Then I kneaded it for TEN FUCKING MINUTES because I do not have a KitchenAid stand mixer (HINT HINT HINT), and I got such a workout that I don't think I need to go to the gym today. Woot woot! Kneading is some hard fucking work.
Then divide it into eighths, which I did with a pizza cutter. Super easy.
Then I rolled them into balls. Heh. Balls.
NOW comes the hard part. After they've rested, if you want to do it the Right and Traditional and Respectable Way, you roll each ball out until it's a rope long enough to wrap around your hand with enough overlap to securely squish it closed into a loop, like so:
(This is a little different because the baker is working with one long roll of dough instead of little dough balls, but you get the idea.)
This is hard. I did it for the two of them on the far left of the picture below, but then I got irritated because I think my dough was a little too stiff or something because it didn't want to roll out worth a shit. SOOOO, I did it the Easy Way, which I found here. The Easy Way basically consists of squishing your thumb through the middle of the dough ball until you get a hole. Easy. Then because I am a culinary genius I figured out how to even it out and widen the hole without ripping the dough, of which method I have kindly provided an instructional video:
Results:
Then they need to rest a little while longer. Preheat the oven and get your big pot of water boiling. One of the recipes I read said the water needed to be barely simmering; the other didn't mention what manner of boil was appropriate. I tried both, and it seemed not to matter. Oh, ALSO, according to the recipes and photos, the bagels were supposed to sink and then float right back up when dropped into the water. This did not happen for me. They sank like rocks and stuck to the bottom, but I only had to loosen them off the bottom once right after they dropped, and then they were fine. They never actually floated UP, which made the flipping part rather moot. I was extremely concerned about this, and thought maybe my yeast didn't activate or something, but they turned out fine.
Okay, so after they boil for 2 minutes each, you can top them if you want. If not, you'll just have plain water bagels. I let mine drip on a cooling rack lined with paper towels for a minute til I could handle them, and then I squished them into a plate of coarse kosher salt, caraway seeds, and flax seeds.
Then I transferred them, topping side up, to a cookie sheet that I had sprayed and then dusted with cornmeal (this is not required, but suggested by the second recipe I linked above). I think just spraying the pan would have been fine.
Flip 'em after 10 minutes. This will not disturb the toppings (much).
And then eat them!! But let them cool first. I didn't, and I burned my mouth.
They actually taste more like a giant soft pretzel to me than an actual bagel, but giant soft pretzels are delicious, so whatever. Enjoy!
Note: If you're like my mom and track every calorie that passes your lips, these have a little over 200-250ish apiece. That includes the flax seed topping, which has more calories than I had thought it would, but they are quite good for you, I hear, so whatever.
_______________________________________________
EDIT:
This is a much better video for how to roll & twist them -
AND his dough looks totally different from mine. It was not nearly as pliable or stretchy, so I guess mine was too dry. I'll add more water next time, but as I said before, still yummers.
_______________________________________________
OMG EDIT # 2:
I think I forgot to put in the sugar. I bet that's why they are like giant pretzels. Whoops.
Friday, May 22, 2009
weirdest email ever
Remember my fabulous family trip to Gatorland, in which my family and I got to feed ravenous, bloodthirsty alligators, and in which Ryan threw a slab of rotten steak onto one unlucky alligator's back and ruined its life? OF COURSE YOU DO.
And in that post, I included this video, which is really pretty anti-climactic because it is all blurry and shiz, and you cannot really see the bloodthirstiness of the gators or even the flying steaks, but can only hear some crummy plopping noises, so you totally do not get a good view of the imminent danger we were in, and thus might actually think it was a video from the inside of a rather large public toilet.
Anyhooters, regarding that video, I received this email, which even I think is totally weird.
And in that post, I included this video, which is really pretty anti-climactic because it is all blurry and shiz, and you cannot really see the bloodthirstiness of the gators or even the flying steaks, but can only hear some crummy plopping noises, so you totally do not get a good view of the imminent danger we were in, and thus might actually think it was a video from the inside of a rather large public toilet.
Anyhooters, regarding that video, I received this email, which even I think is totally weird.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
wedding chronicles: anti-climactic update
After not answering all TWO of her calls since December, I finally got a communication from Bridezilla......
From this e-mail we can infer that Groom & 'Zilla are STILL living in different states (FIVE MONTHS after their wedding!), and that 'Zilla has still either not noticed that I'm not talking to her OR she's too self-centered to realize that it might have something to do with her behavior.
Suffice it to say, I'm not going. There were several invitees, so I just can't afford it.
From this e-mail we can infer that Groom & 'Zilla are STILL living in different states (FIVE MONTHS after their wedding!), and that 'Zilla has still either not noticed that I'm not talking to her OR she's too self-centered to realize that it might have something to do with her behavior.
Suffice it to say, I'm not going. There were several invitees, so I just can't afford it.
Happy Caturday!!
I got jealous of all Reagan's kitty posts, so here it is.....Caturday!
Steve tries out the new couch:
Pickles sticks with the old one:
And Bitty Kitty claims the Ikea chair:
Happy Caturday, everyone! Off to the beach. Be jealous.
Steve tries out the new couch:
Pickles sticks with the old one:
And Bitty Kitty claims the Ikea chair:
Happy Caturday, everyone! Off to the beach. Be jealous.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
i'm faaaaaamous, i'm faaaaaaamous!!!!!!!!!
Ryan and I are now accepting applications for a publicist because we are DOUBLE FAMOUS!
Go and see how awesome we are here at Photobomb.
And then go READ our awesome story over HERE at The Devil's Daughter in Law. (If you are not yet familiar with DDIL, you should be. It's therapeutic. )
We're FAAAAAMOUS, we're FAAAAAAMOUS!!!!!
Go and see how awesome we are here at Photobomb.
And then go READ our awesome story over HERE at The Devil's Daughter in Law. (If you are not yet familiar with DDIL, you should be. It's therapeutic. )
We're FAAAAAMOUS, we're FAAAAAAMOUS!!!!!
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