Wednesday, November 26, 2008

that's why they don't call it 'Plan A'

A couple of weeks ago, I went temporarily insane.

I forgot that I am not on birth control anymore. I say "anymore" like I stopped taking it a month ago or something, but I've actually been off it for THREE YEARS.

Stop making that face. Birth control makes me fat(ter) and crazy(ier).

So one fine Friday about two weeks ago, my dear husband and I had a ridiculous unprotected sexfest. Stop making that face also. I am a Respectable Married Lady which entitles me to speak freely about my church-and-state-approved sexy times. Heh, well, mostly church-and-state-approved, but sometimes I have a little too much to drink and.......

At the end of that fine Friday, I was puttering around my house and getting ready for a party when I stopped short and said, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"

Why the hell did we do that? And where the hell were Ryan's judgment and maturity that are always far superior to mine and insist on wrapping it up have probably prevented like three hundred pregnancies? EEEEEK!!!!!

I leapt into the nearest non-stinky clothes, and we headed for Walgreen's. I entered Walgreen's with trepidation - after all, the ATH populace consists of either ultraliberal hippies or creepy ultraconservatives. There isn't much in between, so I was rightfully afraid that the pharmacy counter might be staffed by


You get the idea. (And before any Catholics get pissed at me, you KNOW old Benedict there would NOT sell me plan B if I asked for it, so it's just true. He is probably nicer than Ann Coulter, though.)

Fortunately, the pharmacy tech looked more like this:

I breathed a sigh of relief and asked if they carried Plan B.

"Ohhhh yeahhhh surrreeee, like definitelyyyyyy, tooooootalllllyyyyyy," he replied, in a kind but obvious effort to make me feel not-judged. "I just hafta go get it, like ONE SECOND, okay, I'll be riiiiiiiiight back, noooo probleeeeem, yeeaaaaah!"

(Dear Walgreen's hippie, if you're out there, thanks for that! It was very nice of you, and it made me giggle.)

So I took the Plan B, and everything should be fine, right? WELL......a dear friend of mine had a similar Fine Friday once and took Plan B within a few hours of her adventures, too.

She's due in December.

I was telling my dear Lindsey, whose daddy is a doctor, about the shocking turn of events in my friend's life, and she sagely replied, "That's why it's called Plan B. If it worked every time, they'd call it Plan A.

In spite of this knowledge, I figured everything would be juuuust fine. Until I got nauseous. I have been nauseous for FIVE DAYS now, AND I am late. Eeeeeeek!!!

No, I haven't tested yet, and I know you're making that FACE at me again. I have not tested because I a) don't want to, b) want to wait a little longer because I would fucking murder someone if I got a false negative, and c) payday is not for a few more days and I insist on only using the $25 fancy digital tests that clearly say "PREGNANT" or "NOT PREGNANT." I can't deal with trying to decipher those fucking teeny little lines after the eternal 3 minute wait because you can ALWAYS see the stupid line whether it actually changes color or not.

Rather than focusing on reality, which is always such a drag, I've been trying to think of the good things that would come from being preggo. So far I have come up with three:

1) People have to be nice to me even if I act like a wretched bitch. Look out, Bridezilla. I'll be wanting a party.

2) I have a medically legitimate reason to need new clothes all the time. Plus, I am always wandering through Target and getting confused when I see a super cute dress but I can't find my size and even if I could I can't figure out what this big pouch on the front is for anway - oh. I'm in the Liz Lange maternity section again. I would be able to wear that cute stuff.

3) I will not have to clean the kitty litter box for like a year! Apparently if you touch cat poo while you're pregnant, you run a significant risk of birthing one of these:

and then you will have to get this guy

to exorcise the evil kitty litter demon from your home.

1 comment:

Reagan said...

OMG! Keep me posted!! And happy holidays and warm wishes :)