Saturday, December 20, 2008

Half wedding party stuck in Milwaukee, hairdresser slated to stand in for best man.

A quick update.............

LAST week, 'Zilla threatened to boot her MOH out of the wedding over a dress snafu that was utterly beyond MOH's control. I was furious, mainly because I thought if anyone got kicked out, it should be ME. She ended up not kicking her out (poor MOH, sweet freedom was so close!) but instead ran out to Dillard's and purchased a $200 dress that's wayyyyy too small for MOH and told her she isn't allowed to return it or exchange it because 'Zilla just "can't deal with that right now." Whatthefuckever.

THEN she wigged out yesterday because, hey, here's a thought - it's fucking snowing in Milwaukee. See, Groom's whole fam lives there, and now it seems they are stuck there and unable to fly here because of the weather. Is anyone surprised that it snows in Milwaukee in December? Anyone? Anyone? 'Zilla? Yeah, I know you're surprised. That's because you're stupid. Here's another surprise for you - you're not actually the center of the universe.

So YESTERDAY she called MOH and said,

"I may need you to pick some people up from the airport and bring them to the resort. Maybe a couple of trips, actually. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know."

Uhhh..............Just so you know the precise degree of outrageousness here, let's consult google maps.

Fifty-five miles. Now recall that normal people have to work, and MOH happened to have to work til 6 today. So 'Zilla called her LAST NIGHT to say she MIGHT NEED her to make MULTIPLE TRIPS back and forth from Hartsfield to Chateau Elan. Never mind that she needed to WORK and PACK, and I don't know, find some time to take a fucking dump at some point.

I think I'm starting to get bitter about this wedding.

So MOH happened to inquire, "Oh, are these the people who have been snowed in and then were able to fly in today?"

"No," 'Zilla replied. "These are regular flights."

So these were not even like last-minute, OMG, cancelled our rental car because we thought we wouldn't be able to make it and suddenly the airport opened back up, and jeez, how are we gonna get there kind of guests. These are people who have had flights booked for months, and 'Zilla just NOW thought to make some arrangements for their transportation.

And here's the deal! I've not got fuck to do right now most days, so I could totally have done it, if someone had asked me even a week ago. Even a couple of days ago. But to call MOH who has a JOB and say she "may need" her to make TWO trips back and forth, 110 miles round-trip each time, somehow after work, and then have time to pack and be able to make it BACK to the resort by 10 a.m. Saturday for the spa day (which is a whole 'nother bitchfest) - well that's just fucking outrageous, above and beyond the ordinary call of cuntfacery. 'Zilla deserves a medal for her extraordinary contributions to crazy.

ALSO, 'Zilla has now TWICE acted like I am not married. Get this shit.

So, I was talking to her the other day, and I asked her which groomsman would I be walking with. Groom's Brother, she said.

Being silly, I inquired, "Izzy hot? Heehee!"

"Uhh, well, he is married, Lori," came the nasal and condescending reply.

HELLO. Uhh, SO AM I, ASSHOLE. First of all, I was fucking being silly. Second, I don't give a shit if I'm married; I still don't want to have to walk down the aisle and be photographed on the arm of some greasy fucking uggo!


Then on Friday, with two days left til the wedding, I began to desperately want a date to this wedding. (Ryan had to work, it being the holidays and all.) So then I had an idea for the perfect date:

Perfect, right??????? I can have a friend from the outside world, and there will also be someone there to bear witness to all this crazy because I am sure at some point you stopped believing a word of what I'm telling you.

Plus, I could avoid any impropriety by telling them he's a gay. Perfect!

So I have to provide a lil' background info here - when we first got the "wedding" invite back in I guess August, I told 'Zilla right off the bat that there was a 99% chance Ryan couldn't be off work, so I'd just be rsvping myself. I told her not to worry about it and just save the money (since in a 25-30 person wedding, 1 person makes a difference in cost). She said the wedding package was based on 30 guests, and that they wouldn't be sending out any more invites, so if Ryan could make it at the last minute, then great, there'd be a seat and food for him; if not, no hard feelings.

(Wow, like a nice, normal person. Too bad that didn't last long.)

SO. That conversation was the only reason I thought it might be okay to ask at the last minute if I could bring a back-up date. On Friday I called to check in on the crazy and see if that'd be okay. I also told her if it's not okay, I totally understand, I just thought I'd ask since there was supposed to be a spot open and all.

"Well, there'll be a chair for him, but there won't be any food, so do whatever you want."

I took that as a "no." Which was fine, whatevs, because she doesn't know him, it's the last minute, etc etc. But I did have to wonder, what if my husband had suddenly been able to make it? That would've sucked.

So then she says to me, and I shit you not, this is NOTAFUCKINGJOKE,

"But if you want single guys to hang out with, Upstairs Neighbor and Hairdresser will both be there."

If I want WHAT?!?!?!

"Uhh, no, I didn't want to hang out with any single guys, 'Zilla. No worries. It'll just be me."

Okay, there are like forty million things wrong with what she said, but let's focus on two -


2) If I were single, I would not "hang out" with UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR (see: wedding chronicles, part III, "you want to overturn democracy, don't you?") or Hairdresser. I have not yet met Hairdresser, but I know that he is single, forty-five years old, and in a band.

Gross. No, thanks.

Upstairs Neighbor, on the other hand, I know plenty well enough. I know he's about 50, a total alcoholic (complete with a lovely alcoholic's complexion), five feet tall, and a raging creepy conservative. And worst of all, he lives in 'Zilla's building. That itself is reason enough to stay away from him.

Oh, how I wish I could post pictures of everyone, but it just feels wrong. And oh, how I wish I could think of a snappy way to wrap this up, but right now all I can come up with is -

Fuck. This weekend is going to suck balls.

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