Saturday, December 27, 2008

“We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.”*

A Chrismakkah Story

Well, we had just a wonderful holiday, and I hope you did too. After Ryan got off work on Christmas Eve, we headed to his dad's house in Buford to have dinner and spend the night. They have an adorable new puppy dog named Rocko:

Rocko was feeling a little porn-ish, so I had to crop the photo for propriety's sake, but you get the idea. He is purse-sized, and I just LOVE him.

Ryan's dad and stepmom always give us nice goodie bags that are very thoughtful and personal. For example, I received chocolate-covered cherries (my faves), peppermint-flavored (scented?) hand sanitizer, and a rape whistle.

I always enjoy dinner there because we have real food instead of mashy holiday food. This year we had sandwiches and my father-in-law's fabulously delicious Cuban black beans. Sandwiches may not sound terribly exciting, but I more or less loathe traditional holiday foods. Please understand this is usually no fault of the cook's - I just dislike pureed vegetables and generally anything called "casserole." (I also do not understand how condensed soup can ever be considered an "ingredient" - ugh.) As a friend who celebrated Thanksgiving or Chrismakkah or something with my family one year succintly whispered, "There's nothing here you have to chew." So I am pleased as punch to have ham & cheese sandwiches and black beans for Christmas dinner.

Ryan's stepmother's parents were there, and they are just adorable. Her father (actually stepfather, but "my husband's stepmother's stepfather" is too complicated) suffers from some kind of dementia that seems like Alzheimer's but it's not as nasty. On Christmas Eve, he was downright loopy, and forgive me if it's insensitive, but he was hilarious. When Rocko the chihuahua pawed at his lap during dinner, he demanded to know (several times) "if that dog is a queer!"

Later on, when opening his gifts, he pulled a box from Chico's out of the gift bag, and without opening it announced, "Ohhh, Chico's, I know what theeese aaaaaarrre!!" Gesturing slyly at his 70-year-old wife, he grinned and said, "These are so you don't get pregnant!"

I thought maybe I should ask him to pass those Chico's my way, since my husband and I clearly need all the help we can get.

Next we played Raving Rabbids, the video game that Ryan got for his 11-year-old brother:

I freaking loved this game. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a video game person, but this one managed to satisfy all of my stringent requirements: it contained lots of toilet humor and required little to no skill. I even won one of the games. Go me!

Next we went to my grandmother's house in Canton, where I got to hang out with (among others)

my mommy

my auntie & uncle (who both accidentally looked happy at the same time - yay!)

and my ickle brotherkins

who is ten feet tall and not so ickle anymore

and who does an uncanny impression of the creepy old man from Family Guy: (you'll be wanting to turn up your volume a bit)

I also discovered that I have gained fifty billion pounds and my face resembles the moon, or a large white cheese wheel with eyes and hair. Observe:

Now, I have to say, with a mixture of delight and guilt, I made out like a freaking bandit. Here are a few highlights from my gifts:

An adorable piggy teakettle, and yes, I know I am an old lady. Screw you.

EDIT: (AGH AGH AGH, forget the moon or a cheese wheel! I look like this effing tea kettle! OH MY GOD.)

A fluffy pink one-of-a-kind scarf handmade by my aunt Sandi, knitter extraordinaire. Apollo was kind enough to model it for you, as I am looking beyond wretched today.

Isn't it silly? I love it.

And this awesome goldfishy umbreller from my Go-ma.

From my mom I got When you are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris, which concerned me at first because I really haven't enjoyed anything he's written since Me Talk Pretty One Day, which is heeeeelarious. I know Naked and Barrel Fever were all popular and shit, but I just didn't get them. Much to my delight, however, this book is fucking funny, like Me Talk Pretty One Day funny, and I love-love-love it. I'm halfway through it already, and I'm only taking time out from reading it to kindly write this post for my adoring fans, so you'd better appreciate it. All three of you.

No need to thank me, though. Your heartfelt gratitude is presumed.

I also received a pink suede Kate Spade wallet that is sooooo cuters, a multitude of gift cardery, and a veritable treasure trove of UGA apparel.

Oh, and I almost forgot. I got this McDonald's Happy Meal My Little Pony from my dad:

As ev'rybodee knows, I luff teh poniez.

My 6-year-old cousin got this, um, snorkel:

and when we all couldn't stop laughing because of, you know, the sheer existence of this

and this

she got a little pissed.

And I may be a bit (or a lot) to blame owing to my uncontrollable laughter and my comment that I couldn't wait to laugh at it some more next summer when she actually uses it, but come on, is that photo not worth a little childhood torment? Think naked bathtime pictures are bad? Wait til I threaten to show this little jewel of blackmail to her dates some day.

Next we went to Ryan's mom's, which I guess is actually her fiance's, but she lives there now and they allegedly plan to get married one of these days, so I reckon it's hers now too.

We had a scrumptious dinner of more mashy food, followed by a store-bought pie.

"What kind of pie is that?" my MIL's ostensible future hubby inquired.

"Uhh," my MIL replied, glancing at the label, "Gourmet. It's a gourmet pie."

Sigh. The sad part is that I was utterly unsurprised by her reply. And in case you're wondering, it was apple. Gourmet apple.

After dinner we exchanged gifts, and finally Ryan and I headed home, bloated with food and the guilt-tinged satisfaction that only the abject materialistic gluttony of the holiday season can provide.

Oh, and it was nice to see our families too. :)
* from that holiday staple and my all-time favorite movie, A Christmas Story

(Dear Go-ma,
I am sure it troubles you greatly that I split infinitives on here like it's my job, so I wanted to let you know that I am well aware it's a grammatical no-no. I happen to think it's a stupid and pretentious grammatical no-no, although, so I don't care. That is all.)


Your Ikle bother said...

ROFL FIRST. So, why you put me on the interwebz w/o my permissions?

jeannie said...

You a minor 'n no haz rights.

Ypu Ikle Bother JOHN MADDEN said...

I'm considering using the sarah pic as my avatar on another forum.

jeannie said...


Feel free, just kindly keep my name off of it. Job interviewers google us for evidence of such unseemly behavior.

I'd hate for anyone to think I like Sarah Palin or actually wear that much blush.

Your Ikle Doctor Ivo Robotnik said...

Sure. Fine. I'll keep your name off of it. For now. You realize you just gave me blackmail material, amirite?

jeannie said...

Nooo, I realize I just pointed out to you that if you ruin my life, I won't be able to pay for your college or bail you out of jail.

It's in your own best interest to protect my privacy.

'Nuff said.

enoch said...

oh my gosh, the impersonation is uncanny!!

jeannie said...

Haha, look ickle botherkins, ^^^ your Herbert impression is famous!

Your Ikle Diddykins said...

Did you take that pony pic in a lightbox? It looks like you did.

jeannie said...

I dunno what a lightbox is, but no. I saved it off the interwebz.

Your Ikle Whatchamacallit said...

You should totally go here and see what I made!

It's rly cool. I made it mahself.

jeannie said...

Poor Harvey. I feel sad about him all over again.

You should get yourself a blog and post all that stuff on it! It's teh awesom!

Your Ikle Psychopath said...

He deserves it for being a crap toy. Even at seven bucks, having less joints that a GIJoe is unacceptable.

jeannie said...


Go to bed!

Your Ikle Manga Cartoon Child Porn Star said...

I'd love to, but I'm conversing with my sister.

So Ryan was wanted The Killing Joke, huh? You should have gotten him the toys too.

jeannie said...

I'm too old for this, I gotta get some sleep.

Too bad I'm married to Snorlax.

G'nite, ickle botherkins!

Your Ickle Insomniac said...

G'nite sis. Get some sleeps. And watch this when you wake up. It's about Snorlax.