Sunday, September 27, 2009

Hey, it's been a while...

And you don't even get anything funny. All you get is a recipe for magical vegan butternut squash soup, primarily because it's my own recipe, and I'm feeling rather proud of it. Here goes!

1 big ass butternut squash, peeled & chopped (the smaller you chop, the quicker it cooks, but the longer you chop)
1 big ass onion, cut up any old how you like
4 cups vegetable broth (barbarians can use chicken stock)
2 tbsp vegan margarine (yes, you could use butter)
2 tsp mild curry powder
1/2 tsp coriander
1/4 tsp oregano
1/4 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp white pepper
lil bit o' salt
1 bay leaf

Do this:
In a big pot, melt the butter & saute the onions over medium heat for about 10 minutes til they are all floppy & caramelized. Then throw everything else in. Make sure there is enough liquid to cover all the vegetables; if not, you can add more stock, or just water would be fine also. Simmer until the chunks of squash are mushy - the smaller your chunks, the sooner this will happen. Just give them a poke with your spoon and if they dent easily, they're ready. Fish out the bay leaf and discard it. Put half the squash chunks, onion, and broth into the blender and puree. Be careful of the steam building up in your blender - open the little hole on the blender's lid and cover with a kitchen towel so the steam can escape, thus avoiding explosion and injury. Pour the pureed goodness into a container, and repeat for the other half of the veggies & broth.

Eat. Thank me later.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Feminism Fail: Glamour Magazine

I know, you're going, "Feminism Fail? DUH! That's why they call it Glamour Magazine: An Illustrated Guide To How You Will Never EVER Be Thin, Beautiful, Or White Enough, Now With More Blowjob Tips That May Or May Not Keep Your Man (Because You Are Of Course Straight And Thus Interested In Such Activities!) From Cheating!!"

But seriously, these sneaky fuckers are trying to get all fat-acceptancey, and I am not buying it.

Oooh, look at this nice feel-good article -


Thank you, Glamour! Now that you have approved of a woman who is a good bit thinner, blonder, and whiter than many women, I, um, feel totally almost better about myself?

You are so totally pro-woman and stuff. I also really appreciate how you give me options such as: feeling good about myself the way I am, or, if that's not really my bag, you offer me a variety of alternatives, conveniently located in the margins of this very article.



I appreciate that. I like that they give me options. It's what choice is all about.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009




And now, we wait.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Get Smart (or don't, whatever sells): a film review

I gave the movie Get Smart approximately half an hour of my life, and in that time it has taught me several things:

- Bumbling, inexperienced men tend to be more capable than highly trained experienced women.
- Women tend to let their emotions interfere with their professional lives and other trifles such as national security. This is a good reminder as to why a woman should never be President.
- Fat people are funny. Fat women are REALLY funny, especially when portrayed in situations where you would normally expect to see only thin women, such as being asked to dance, or wearing a fancy dress, oh my goodness! Hilarity!
- Deaf people are hilarious as well, especially when they try to speak vocally. Silly deaf people, always mispronouncing shit!
- Brown people in turbans are highly likely to be bad guys. Especially when they are on planes.
- It is EXTREMELY HILARIOUS when it appears that two men might be gay! Especially gay with each other!!! Because of course you would never expect a man, let alone TWO MEN WHO HAPPEN TO BE IN THE SAME PLACE, to be gay in the first place, so like, WHOA!

Lest we forget how hilarious and absurd fat people, gays, and women are, Hollywood is here to remind us by recycling all those comfortably familiar stereotypes. Thanks, Hollywood!



Thank heavens I kept watching!! At the end of the movie, I also learned that it is totally funny to call grown men little girls!! Because as we all know, little girls turn into women, and what could POSSIBLY be worse than being a woman????? AHHAHAHAHAH!!!


Saturday, June 6, 2009

predictive text

Words I have had to teach my phone:
  • bagels
  • burrito
  • fuck

Words my phone already knew:

  • Jesus
  • ass

quotes of the yesterday

"I can't sign no papers. I gotta be LEGIT in '09!!!"
-- Client

"And you know I know he tryin' to talk to her because he's doing how I do when I wanna hold her with no clothes on!"
-- Client's boyfriend

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Why does Tyler Perry still have a job?


A scene from "Meet the Browns" - (Nice, Tyler Perry. Much more clever and subtle than "Meet the Blacks.")

[Scene - Wife is cooking breakfast. Tells husband she is preparing turkey bacon.]

Husband [in great surprise]: "Turkey bacon?! Cora, I didn't know pigs and turkeys be matin'!!!"


What. In. The. Hell.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

foodurday - homemade bagels!

Today I made deeeeelicious bagels. FOR. FREE. Or sort of free because I already had all the ingredients, so it felt free. I used the recipe found here. (BTW, give that URL a peek and notice that it says "nadrolled_water_bagels" - I don't have nads to roll with, so I just used my hands. Seemed to work okay.)

What I liked about this recipe is that it begins with just dumping all the ingredients in the bowl at the same time, but it's not easy to stir. I had to add about an extra 1/4 cup of water to the dough, but don't add any extra water til you can tell you definitely need it.

The dough looked all crumbly and awful, but once I kneaded it a little, it came together. Then I kneaded it for TEN FUCKING MINUTES because I do not have a KitchenAid stand mixer (HINT HINT HINT), and I got such a workout that I don't think I need to go to the gym today. Woot woot! Kneading is some hard fucking work.

Then divide it into eighths, which I did with a pizza cutter. Super easy.

Then I rolled them into balls. Heh. Balls.

NOW comes the hard part. After they've rested, if you want to do it the Right and Traditional and Respectable Way, you roll each ball out until it's a rope long enough to wrap around your hand with enough overlap to securely squish it closed into a loop, like so:

(This is a little different because the baker is working with one long roll of dough instead of little dough balls, but you get the idea.)

This is hard. I did it for the two of them on the far left of the picture below, but then I got irritated because I think my dough was a little too stiff or something because it didn't want to roll out worth a shit. SOOOO, I did it the Easy Way, which I found here. The Easy Way basically consists of squishing your thumb through the middle of the dough ball until you get a hole. Easy. Then because I am a culinary genius I figured out how to even it out and widen the hole without ripping the dough, of which method I have kindly provided an instructional video:


Then they need to rest a little while longer. Preheat the oven and get your big pot of water boiling. One of the recipes I read said the water needed to be barely simmering; the other didn't mention what manner of boil was appropriate. I tried both, and it seemed not to matter. Oh, ALSO, according to the recipes and photos, the bagels were supposed to sink and then float right back up when dropped into the water. This did not happen for me. They sank like rocks and stuck to the bottom, but I only had to loosen them off the bottom once right after they dropped, and then they were fine. They never actually floated UP, which made the flipping part rather moot. I was extremely concerned about this, and thought maybe my yeast didn't activate or something, but they turned out fine.

Okay, so after they boil for 2 minutes each, you can top them if you want. If not, you'll just have plain water bagels. I let mine drip on a cooling rack lined with paper towels for a minute til I could handle them, and then I squished them into a plate of coarse kosher salt, caraway seeds, and flax seeds.

Then I transferred them, topping side up, to a cookie sheet that I had sprayed and then dusted with cornmeal (this is not required, but suggested by the second recipe I linked above). I think just spraying the pan would have been fine.

Flip 'em after 10 minutes. This will not disturb the toppings (much).

And then eat them!! But let them cool first. I didn't, and I burned my mouth.

They actually taste more like a giant soft pretzel to me than an actual bagel, but giant soft pretzels are delicious, so whatever. Enjoy!

Note: If you're like my mom and track every calorie that passes your lips, these have a little over 200-250ish apiece. That includes the flax seed topping, which has more calories than I had thought it would, but they are quite good for you, I hear, so whatever.


This is a much better video for how to roll & twist them -

AND his dough looks totally different from mine. It was not nearly as pliable or stretchy, so I guess mine was too dry. I'll add more water next time, but as I said before, still yummers.



I think I forgot to put in the sugar. I bet that's why they are like giant pretzels. Whoops.

Friday, May 22, 2009

weirdest email ever

Remember my fabulous family trip to Gatorland, in which my family and I got to feed ravenous, bloodthirsty alligators, and in which Ryan threw a slab of rotten steak onto one unlucky alligator's back and ruined its life? OF COURSE YOU DO.

And in that post, I included this video, which is really pretty anti-climactic because it is all blurry and shiz, and you cannot really see the bloodthirstiness of the gators or even the flying steaks, but can only hear some crummy plopping noises, so you totally do not get a good view of the imminent danger we were in, and thus might actually think it was a video from the inside of a rather large public toilet.

Anyhooters, regarding that video, I received this email, which even I think is totally weird.


Saturday, May 16, 2009

wedding chronicles: anti-climactic update

After not answering all TWO of her calls since December, I finally got a communication from Bridezilla......


From this e-mail we can infer that Groom & 'Zilla are STILL living in different states (FIVE MONTHS after their wedding!), and that 'Zilla has still either not noticed that I'm not talking to her OR she's too self-centered to realize that it might have something to do with her behavior.

Suffice it to say, I'm not going. There were several invitees, so I just can't afford it.

Happy Caturday!!

I got jealous of all Reagan's kitty posts, so here it is.....Caturday!

Steve tries out the new couch:

Pickles sticks with the old one:

And Bitty Kitty claims the Ikea chair:

Happy Caturday, everyone! Off to the beach. Be jealous.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

res ipsa loquitur

Facebook pretty much did all the heavy lifting for me on this one.

i'm faaaaaamous, i'm faaaaaaamous!!!!!!!!!

Ryan and I are now accepting applications for a publicist because we are DOUBLE FAMOUS!

Go and see how awesome we are here at Photobomb.

And then go READ our awesome story over HERE at The Devil's Daughter in Law. (If you are not yet familiar with DDIL, you should be. It's therapeutic. )


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Why I (Really Really) Hate Football

I hate Sports. I hate Sports a lot. I've even given Sports multiple chances to prove themselves, but so far I've been pretty disappointed, with the sole exception of Baseball. Extending an olive branch, Baseball offered me $2 beers and gratuitous fireworks on warm summer evenings during my Season of Voluntary Unemployment, and for that I remain grateful. Thanks for the memories, Baseball, or rather, the lack thereof (see: $2 beers).

I suppose it wasn't entirely fair of me to hold a grudge against Baseball, but the alternative was holding a grudge against my grandparents, so Baseball just had to take one for the team, so to speak. You see, when I was a leetle Jeannie, my parents and I lived with my grandparents, in the mostly finished basement of their ranch-style house.

(What? If your dad was a musician, and not the orchestra kind, the tortured lead guitarist kind, you probably lived in your grandparents' basement too.)

My bedroom was located directly and unfortunately beneath my grandparents' living room. The living room was their sanctuary, the television the heart of their home. It was a fairly large set for the time (mid- to late 80's, I think), and it routinely beamed the Braves game into their living room in pixels large enough for their aging eyes. I don't remember Nannaw and Pappaw having too many social friends, but I do remember another couple who never missed a game at our house, Buddy and Charlotte.

On game nights, my grandparents and their friends were transformed. Gone was the sluggishness caused by diabetes, digestive ailments, arthritis, and glaucoma, and in its place was the screaming, stomping, rabid, unadulterated rage that only a bad play taken personally can provoke.

Those same nights, I lay awake in my bed, listening as eight orthopedically shod feet stomped the floor in fury. DAMMIT, BLAUSER!!!!! they'd scream. GOD DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!

Loathing rankled in my underslept heart, because didn't they realize I had to be up at seven the next morning? Seven! Had they no idea how hard my life was? How could I be expected to stay on the honor roll under these sorts of living conditions? Why, it was child abuse, that's what it was!!

But I couldn't hate my grandparents, could I? Of course not. Not Nannaw who always gave me an oatmeal cream pie or a Starcrunch, whether I'd finished my dinner or not (although it was many years before I'd completely forgive her for repeatedly forcing my hair into sponge rollers in a relentless effort to make me resemble something she described as "ladylike"). Not Pappaw, who always patted me on the head, called me "Little Sweetie," and seemed to have an endless supply of Tootsie Rolls. And neither could I hold a grudge against Charlotte, whose curly hair looked not unlike that of my beloved Hugga Bunch doll, nor against Buddy who was the spitting image of Count von Count.

So Baseball had to take one for the team. Oh, Baseball, how I hate hate hated your guts, as well as those of your stooge Blauser, an incompetent muttonhead whose inadequacies so often prompted the outraged screaming that blasted through the floorboards and into my brain.

I suppose that in the many years that I did not live and attempt to sleep beneath my grandparent's living room, my hatred for Baseball dulled. The sleepless nights became nothing more than a memory, as we moved to our own house shortly before I turned eleven. As an adult, my attitude toward Baseball was fairly indifferent, albeit tinged with remnants of childhood loathing. In the past few years, however, Baseball has wooed me, and successfully so. It tantalized me with the promise of Other Things To Do when I tired of drinking at the pool, sweetening the deal with $5 tickets.

Okay, Baseball, I thought skeptically. I'll give you a chance. One chance.

Baseball met and even exceeded my expectations that by offering me a free shuttle that enabled me to drink as many of Baseball's $2 (TWO DOLLARS!) beers as I could afford. And because of the enormous quantity of affordable beers I had consumed, I slept beautifully that night. Baseball made its amends, and all is forgiven.

However, Baseball's thoughtful research into my personal interests (see: $2 beers & free ride) couldn't cure my hatred for Sports as a whole because of that sluggish bastard, Football.

Fuck you, Football. Get a fucking watch. I loathe tardiness in general, but Football just takes it to a whole 'nother level.

Why is it exactly that Football is allowed to turn ONE hour into THREE hours? What's so damn special about Football that it gets to, oh, I don't know, STOP TIME? I still don't know. All I know is that when I was a kid, Football routinely took advantage of my youthful naivete and at every opportunity, ruined my life.

Homework completed just in time, I'd often rush excitedly to the TV, eager to see what new feats of derring-do those Rescue Rangers might accomplish, or what zany predicament Huey, Duey, and Luey would get themselves into now. I'd inevitably switch on the set during a commercial break, and I'd wait patiently for the half-hour to arrive, and with it, animated bliss.

But no, what was this? It's four-thirty. Where are the Rescue Rangers? Where is Darkwing Duck? Duck Tales? No? What is this?!

Football, that's what. Fucking football.

Wincing in dispair, I'd glance at the little time clock in the corner of the screen. Oh, I'd think to myself. Well, there's only 38 minutes left, so it's just one show, maybe a little extra. I can wait! I wasn't selfish. I was willing to compromise. Football could have the TV for a little while.

Because there was an odd amount of time left on the clock, I expected that my show would start a little late, displaced by the end of the game. This too was okay, but of course I had to sit there holding vigil over the TV, lest I forget that my displaced show would begin at an odd time, causing me to miss a second show altogether.

And I'd wait. And wait. And wait. Thirty-eight actual minutes would come and go, and somehow there would still be time left on the clock, but it didn't seem like much time really........So I'd wait some more.

And finally, at long last, after what seemed like an eternity, Football would relinquish the TV, just in time for.......THE EVENING NEWS.

Time and time again this happened, for surely, I believed, at some point Football would catch on and get its clock fixed. Any day now, Football would think to itself, Say, aren't I about, oh, five years late for.......everything? And realizing that its chronic tardiness was due to a long busted time clock, Football would either have its clock repaired, or perhaps even get a new clock, who knew, maybe even one that was fast rather than agonizingly slow. Time and time again, I had faith that Football would finally get it right, finally get its clock fixed, finally stop lying to me.

But no. Football never got its clock fixed, and to this day it doesn't even have the courage to be honest about just how long it plans to swallow up my regularly scheduled programming. So fuck you, Football. No amount of cheap beer or seasonal entertainment can make up for this because YOU'RE STILL DOING IT! Baseball got its shit together and quit waking me up at night, and it even made amends, but you??? You think you're too good. You don't just think you're too cool for school, you think you're too cool for time!!! TIME IS IN THE FUCKING BIBLE, FOOTBALL! IT'S SCIENCE! YOU CANNOT DISREGARD IT! But Football is the original hipster, scorning tradition and not caring when innocent children get hurt in the process.

So fuck you, Football. No more chances for you. Your time is finally up.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Quote of the Day

*ring ring or whatever obnoxious fake song my phone plays*

"Hey, real quick, I have a customer here who's trying to remember the name of the celebrity who's been in a feud with Katy Perry, and I figured you would know."
-- the Huz

UPDATE: I knew.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

cleavage fail: weighing in on Miss California because it's slightly less boring than studying

So everyone's all up in arms, and Bill O'Reilly is like, "YOU CAN'T PUNISH SOMEONE FOR THEIR OPINION!!! THIS IS AMERICA!!!!"

I know it's unfairly easy to take shots at Bill O'Reilly, and because I'm feeling fairly lazy (see: not studying), that's just what I'm gonna do for a sec.

Right, dummy, the government can't punish you for your opinion, but the judges of the contest that you chose to enter can certainly dislike your glib, ill-conceived answer. Perhaps people would still criticize her for her point of view (I would), but I doubt if she had given a more thoughtful answer that she would be coming under such fire, which, btdubs, has probably brought her a degree of celebrity rarely enjoyed by a runner-up. Expect her country/Christian album to drop this fall.

Here's the deal - Miss Proposition 8 California can say whatever she wants to say, but any idiot in a contest knows you have to consider your judges - some of whom are raging homosexuals. This was no secret. Barbie knew her audience, and she was foolish not to expect such a question and prepare a more thoughtful response in advance. I hope she fired her coach immediately, because really, who didn't see that coming?

Anyhoo, my point is that I don't think she's being crucified for being true to herself or whatever because there was certainly another way to express much the same thing without seeming like such a fucking twit. Frankly, it sounded like what she meant was something along the lines of, "Hey, I'm okay with my hairstylist being able to visit his boyfriend in the hospital, I'm just too stupid to consider the distinction between religious and civil marriage." For that, I think she could easily be forgiven.

So here's what Barbie might have said, had she considered the topic in advance:

"Regardless of my personal religious convictions, I am glad that we live in a country where citizens are allowed to express their opinions and vote on important issues such as this. I think as was done in Vermont, states should continue letting the people choose what the laws in their state should be."

There you go. A total non-answer that would have been unlikely to offend anyone. It would pretty much reveal her opinion but also establish that she isn't a complete idiot. At worst, it'd earn her a hearty eye-roll from raging liberals such as myself, of which there are probably only five or six anyway. And also, at least we'd know she isn't so silly that it never occurred to her that such a question might be asked, because, really????

For the purposes of illustration, let’s pick a different topic, and compare some possible answers that might be given.

Question: Do you think race-based affirmative action, whether in education or in the workplace, is a good policy, and why?

Answer 1:
No way! Racial people shouldn’t be allowed to, uh, take jobs away from, like, regular people just ‘cuz they’re, like, black!

Answer 2:
I believe that the disadvantages faced by many Americans are a very real problem; however, I think there has to be a better solution to this problem because I believe that each person should be evaluated on the basis of his or her individual merits or qualifications.

Answer 3:
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.

Answer 1:

Answer 2:
Good. Essentially the same as Answer 1, only displays forethought and sensitivity rather than peroxide poisoning that has reached the nervous system.

Answer 3:
Drugs. Good ones.

Anyway. The girl's probably a nice girl, but she's a poor speaker, her implants look like shit, and she's dumb for not being better prepared.

That's all.

Monday, April 20, 2009

size matters

So I'm up WAY too late after drinking WAY too much coffee, but I got lots of studying done, so whatever. Anyhoo, I'm up in the middle of the night watching South Park, and I just saw a silly commercial for this

Excuse me, excuse me, but just what the hell is that supposed to do for me? Well, I mean, I know what it's supposed to do, but seriously? This thing looks like it runs on a one-time-use watch battery. And for nineteen ninety-nine?!
Sorry, Trojan, but I'm a grown-ass woman, so I need a little more than a buzzing thimble, knumsayin'? I think we can all agree that in one way or another size matters. For example, (straight) boys like their double D's

and I like mine.

Nuff said. Nite.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

yummiest thing ever

Thanks to Alyssa for pointing me toward Vegan Dad's blog, which has an assortment of the most DELICIOUS animal-less foods ever. Today I made his recipe for Vegan Sausages. I must admit I was skeptical because fake meats from the grocery store are decidedly freak-nasty, but these things came out AWESOME. Even Ryan is chowing down on them. I am not going to repost the recipe (linked above) here because it's probably copyrighted or something, but I made it exactly as directed, except I changed the seasoning. Instead of the Italian spices, I substituted

1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon crushed caraway seeds
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
1 teaspoon freshly ground white-pepper
1 teaspoon salt, or to taste

because I was more in the mood for bratwurst. Italian sausage tends to give me acid reflux, if you must know.

Anyway, they were super easy to make and magically delicious, and they both look and taste like meat. They even have a meaty texture, I swear. (That's what she said? *shrug*)

After the directed 40 minutes of steaming, I threw them on the grill (at like 400 degrees, just regular grilling temp) for about 5 minutes, until they had nice crispy grill marks on both sides. Then I completely ruined their veganness by covering them in cheddar cheese, but hey. No dead pigs.


I would post a picture, but I can't find my camera. Hmm.

Friday, April 17, 2009

wal-mart butt

Did you ever have the kind of day where you decided to go to Wal-mart, yes, Wal-mart in search of cheap weights, but instead of cheap weights you encountered, can it be, the fabled Perfect Pair of Jeans?

That's what kind of day I had. Of course, I had some trepidation about purchasing jeans from Wal-mart, nay, even being at Wal-mart, because really, what does it say about my body and proportions if I find the most perfectest pair of jeans ever in a store where almost all the female shoppers have had at least twenty children?

And is The Greasy-Shirted Poverty contagious? And what about The Unplanned Pregnancy? Because there was a SHITload of that going around.

But fuck it, they fit well, they are actually comfortable, they do NOT show my asscrack when I bend over (miracle!), and they were only eighteen dollars!

Eighteen dollars! Can I get a HELL YEAH??


So I buy my jeans, and I'm all, "So what if I bought pants from Wally World? Damn, I look magically lean and fabulous in these EIGHTEEN DOLLAR jeans! This is the best day of my life!" But I was a little disappointed that they didn't have the blue denim in my size, only black, so I thought, "I'll check the website when I get home." Which of course prompted me to have another "Is it okay that The Perfect Pair of Jeans" came from Wal-mart conversation with myself, only this time was worse because I planned to special order my CLOTHING from Wal-mart.

For a second time, I put aside my corporate prejudices and my worry that I might just be a member of Wal-mart's target consumer group (unemployed? check!) and checked the tag of my awesome new jeans that magically cover my bum and make me look and feel ever so skinny to determine the exact magical style so I could order the right ones in blue, and discovered a tag that read......


And then I jumped off a bridge. Been nice knowing you all.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Pregnancy tests and ultrasounds are tools we use to share Jesus."
-- Tricia Parker, director of Athens Pregnancy Center

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Day Like Any Other

Did you ever have the kind of day where you walked in to your Constitutional Law class, settled into your front row seat, and then were pleased to notice that your professor was looking especially SMOKIN' fucking hot, and then g-chat to your friend that you wouldn't mind giving your professor's ankle a little nibble on account of those sexy ass shoes she's wearing, only to have your professor then confiscate your laptop in the middle of class after you inadvertently click a youtube link that makes it BLARE music not once but twice?

And then did you nearly pee your pants with worry for the remaining 40 minutes of class that she might demand to see what kind of screwing around you were doing on the internets during her fascinating Free Exercise Clause lecture and thus might see the still-open chat window, revealing your newly developed foot fetish, which exists entirely because of her?

And then when all said and done, did you end up loving her extra because when you went to her office to apologize for being a douchey idiot, she immediately started to laugh and apologized to you because she felt guilty for embarrassing you and prancing around with your laptop in front of 80 people?

Anybody? No? Just me? Come on!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Straight people, listen up.

Sorry for the repost, facebookers.


This story (also copied below) makes it painfully impossible to ignore that anti-gay discrimination and hate speech affect us all. Think of this child's mother, finding her little boy dangling dead from an electrical cord. Any suicide is a tragedy, but an eleven year old feeling so bereft and terrified that he preferred to die rather than keep going to school each day to face ridicule and abuse is unthinkable. Or it should be, but now it's not because it happened.

By all accounts, Carl Walker-Hoover did not identify as gay. This fact should be irrelevant to the tragedy of his death; however, it throws into sharp relief the problems every single member of our society faces as a result of discrimination that is overwhelmingly participated in or tacitly approved of. Each time someone uses anti-gay hate speech, whether it be calling someone a fag or something as seemingly innocuous as using the word "gay" to describe something as stupid or pointless, it contributes to the cultural climate that led to this child's death. Each time you don't speak up when you hear this sort of speech, you approve.

Consider, if being gay weren't so often considered a terrible, terrible thing, would this have happened? Maybe. Maybe Carl would have been bullied in some other way, but I think we all know that because of the especially hateful and shameful stigma we have permitted to follow gayness, there is little worse that can be said to an adolescent boy.

Perhaps you are not gay. Perhaps you don't know anyone who is gay. Perhaps you think "gay issues" are someone else's fight. You are wrong. Carl wasn't gay, but hatred for gays and the abuse that so often comes with it killed him. Next time it could be you, your son, your sister. Anyone can suffer because of this.

I'm not asking everyone to march in a parade, go to a protest, or vote one way or another. I'm not even asking you to morally approve. What I ask, what I believe we need, is far more basic and fundamental and so very easy. All I ask is for you to consider, was Carl's life really worth less than all the times you've called someone a fag? Is it really worth it to be able to say "that's so gay" when you think something is ridiculous? I think we all know the answer to that. So please, think about what you say. Speak up when you hear someone saying something hateful. Don't approve. Don't be complacent. Stand up for us all, and stand up for our children, who Carl illustrates all too painfully, suffer the most.


GLSEN Calls on Schools, Nation to Embrace Solutions to Bullying Problem

NEW YORK, April 9, 2009 - An 11-year-old Massachusetts boy, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, hung himself Monday after enduring bullying at school, including daily taunts of being gay, despite his mother’s weekly pleas to the school to address the problem. This is at least the fourth suicide of a middle-school aged child linked to bullying this year.

Carl, a junior at New Leadership Charter School in Springfield who did not identify as gay, would have turned 12 on April 17, the same day hundreds of thousands of students will participate in the 13th annual National Day of Silence by taking some form of a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) bullying and harassment at school. The other three known cases of suicide among middle-school students took place in Chatham, Evanston and Chicago, Ill., in the month of February.

"Our hearts go out to Carl’s mother, Sirdeaner L. Walker, and other members of Carl's family, as well as to the community suffering from this loss," GLSEN Executive Director Eliza Byard said. "As we mourn yet another tragedy involving bullying at school, we must heed Ms. Walker’s urgent call for real, systemic, effective responses to the endemic problem of bullying and harassment. Especially in this time of societal crisis, adults in schools must be alert to the heightened pressure children face, and take action to create safe learning environments for the students in their care. In order to do that effectively, as this case so tragically illustrates, schools must deal head-on with anti-gay language and behavior."

Two of the top three reasons students said their peers were most often bullied at school were actual or perceived sexual orientation and gender expression, according to From Teasing to Torment: School Climate in America, a 2005 report by GLSEN and Harris Interactive. The top reason was physical appearance.

"As was the case with Carl, you do not have to identify as gay to be attacked with anti-LGBT language," Byard said. "From their earliest years on the school playground, students learn to use anti-LGBT language as the ultimate weapon to degrade their peers. In many cases, schools and teachers either ignore the behavior or don’t know how to intervene."

Nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT youth (86.2%) reported being verbally harassed at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation, nearly half (44.1%) reported being physically harassed and about a quarter (22.1%) reported being physically assaulted, according to GLSEN’s 2007 National School Climate Survey of more than 6,000 LGBT students.

In most cases, the harassment is unreported. Nearly two-thirds of LGBT students (60.8%) who experience harassment or assault never reported the incident to the school. The most common reason given was that they didn’t believe anything would be done to address the situation. Of those who did report the incident, nearly a third (31.1%) said the school staff did nothing in response. While LGBT youth face extreme victimization, bullying in general is also a widespread problem. More than a third of middle and high school students (37%) said that bullying, name-calling or harassment is a somewhat or very serious problem at their school, according to From Teasing to Torment. Bullying is even more severe in middle school. Two-thirds of middle school students (65%) reported being assaulted or harassed in the previous year and only 41% said they felt very safe at school.

Carl's suicide comes about a year after eighth-grader Lawrence King was shot and killed by a fellow student in a California classroom, allegedly because he was gay.

GLSEN recommends four simple approaches schools can take to begin addressing bullying now.

Said Walker in the Springfield Republican: "If anything can come of this, it's that another child doesn't have to suffer like this and there can be some justice for some other child. I don't want any other parent to go through this."

GLSEN, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, is the leading national education organization focused on ensuring safe schools for all students. Established nationally in 1995, GLSEN envisions a world in which every child learns to respect and accept all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression. GLSEN seeks to develop school climates where difference is valued for the positive contribution it makes to creating a more vibrant and diverse community. For information on GLSEN's research, educational resources, public policy advocacy, student organizing programs and educator training initiatives, visit

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

public service announcement: cosmetics edition

Okay, so from time to time, this and that kind of makeup will be deemed out of style or whatever. This is often a Good Thing. For example,

Thank heavens that we now all know we should not use the paint-by-number method on our faces, nor should we draw on massive fake moles.


Naturally, sometimes things also come into style that are just wretched (see: above). I'd like to clue you all in on one of them. The "V."

Oh, the "V."

Okay, so like, say you want a smoky eye or something. Here is what the makeup powers that be are now telling you to do. First, you put a light color all over your lid. THEN you make some crazy sideways V-shape with a much, MUCH darker color, along your lashline and in the crease.


You know what this looks like? I'll tell you what this looks like. This looks like drag queen makeup. Know why? Because it is drag queen makeup. I do not think there is anything wrong with drag queen makeup; in fact, I quite love it, but only on drag queens. Behold, the lovely and talented Jackie Beat:


Or the girlfriends of Hugh Hefner. They totally look drag queenish as well, and I suppose that's fine. Look at these queens:

Good lord. Kendra looks like the Rock of Love Bus threw up all over her. And while I'm at it, what the fuck is up with Bridget's thigh highs? Those are like grandma stockings or something. Also, what is that butt floating in the air above them? A collective thought bubble? A not-so-classical ceiling fresco? I guess I'll never know.

And SPEAKING of Rock of Love Bus!!!! Natasha, honey, the "V" ain't doing you any favors keeping your "T" a secret.


Anyway, I am seeing this new "style" everywhere from Sports Center idiot Cindy Brunson:

(btdubs, Cindy, your puns are GOD AWFUL.)

to the ladies of the Tool Academy:

to the Clinique lady who recently instructed JPo on eyeshadow application. Granted, the colors she used were entirely inoffensive in the "V" configuration, but she is spreading around the same dangerous principle.

And, also, I ask you, what the heck is the point??? When your eyes are OPEN, it looks just like it would if you had the darker color all over your lid, and when your eyes are CLOSED, you look......well......

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Quote of the Three Wednesdays Ago (for which we paid money)

"I don't use adjectives to brag about things any more than is already documented!"
--Count von Count, on what sets him apart from those sharky Itlanna lawyahs

Monday, March 9, 2009

a super-sized helping of crazy

Recently I have been making a couple of cuts in the friend department - Bridezilla and that me-dissing, bed-mussing, stinky-haired lunatic. It feels a little weird to just sort of break up with people who have been around for years, but it needed to be done.

Anyway, I have decided that if I wouldn't tolerate certain behaviors out of certain people were I to meet them today, I am not going to tolerate them out of the people I've known for quite some time. Thus, I would like to discuss this ridiculous email I received today from my stinky-haired, selfish, room-using former friend,whose calls I have not answered since he totally crapped all over me a few weeks back...

Here is my secret gmail account since my hotmail account is not professional enough for you, haha. (I do not like your stupid comma plus haha construction. It's annoying.)

I haven't been able to get a hold of you the last few calls, so I thought I would drop u (Seriously? I am not even worth a fully-spelled "you?") a line.

I am about to leave Atlanta for good in a few weeks (oh, NO) so I have been acknowledging people that meant a lot to me during my time here (because they always had apartments located conveniently near places I like to frequent). I really have appreciated our friendship the last few years (particularly because you would always pick me up when I was drunk in the middle of the night, be nice to me when I tried to date self-destructively out of my league and got repeatedly rejected, AND let me crash at your place allthefucking time even though I never failed to complain that your place was messy, and you have too many pets). It has meant a lot to me (to always have a place to pass out after I party too much), I appreciate how we can push each other's buttons and still be friends in the end. I think you are an incredibly powerful person (Jeannie does NOT appreciate canned compliments straight from your creepy DEFINITELYNOTTAcult's brochure. She selfishly prefers that you come up with things that actually apply to her as an individual.), I really hope that you find your true passion (how the hell do you know I haven't???), what inspires you (ditching selfish dickholes like you does that, actually), and take that to the next level. (What the fuck does "the next level" even mean? Does anyone even know? Possibly I should get more serious about cupcakes? Or perhaps I should take my passion for strong language to the next level, and say, "Fuck you, you fucking lunatic." I like that. Good suggestion, actually.)

One of my favorite persons (that'd be YOURSELF, right?) states, "the genius is one who listens to the light of his/her own soul and obeys." I know that sounds a little esoteric (It in fact does not sound esoteric at all. esoteric - adj: understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest. It's nice that you've purchased a thesaurus, but I highly suggest familiarizing yourself with a dictionary first.) but I believe it is one of the most pragmatic (what?) statements that I have ever heard (really????). I believe when you shed some of the layers that hold you back (oooh, I am a big fucking onion! sweet!), you will be able to reach unimaginable heights (SNORE). I did not mean to push [NAME OF PROGRAM DELETED BECAUSE IT LIKES TO SUE] (the corporate NONcrazy NONcult with the really good attorneys) on you (yes, you did) but I saw something that could unlock that tremendous potential of yours (BIGGEST EYE ROLL EVA). I know you will find it in your own way, on your own time (Thank god. Your assurance is so comforting; now I can finally stop worrying that I'll be a complete failure.).

Take care of Ryan like he takes care of you (do what??? I will surely take this astonishingly profound tidbit to heart, especially considering your excellent track record of successful two-week relationships. After all, "Quantity over quality" has always been my motto as well, especially where pussy is concerned!). He's a great guy and I want nothing but the best for both of you. Once again thanks for all the times we shared, the good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, and the humorous. I felt I have grown the most in the last 3 years and you definitely (Aw, the only thing that could have made me throw up on your face MORE was if you had spelled that "definately." I am truly disappointed, and I feel like you probably spelled it correctly on purpose, just to spite me.) played a part in that.

Good luck with the rest of school and I am sure I will see you around my friend (Really? Because last time I saw you, you said, "BYE, JEANNIE-POO! I will probably NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN! Off to BRUNCH NOW! BuhBYE!").

Yours in health (BARRRRRF)

Captain Selfish A-hole

Here is all (else) I have to say in reply -

RE: countless comma splices

Dear Cpt. Ego,

THIS --> ; is called a semi-colon. Sharing a key with the colon, with which it should never be confused, it is located immediately to the right of the "L" on your standard QWERTY keyboard.

Do the world (and yourself) a favor and look it up, learn about it, and start using it.




Sunday, March 8, 2009

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeeeeeeeee!!

The weather is BEAUTY-FULL, and I am having the best days ever of no school and sun and warmth, etc, so I am being less life-lazy and more blog-lazy and poaching funny from the library's most recent newsletter crossword puzzle.

I bet I could have gotten away with it though, because who ever even looks at those? You should though; they're totally funny.

Noble v. Bradford Marine, Inc.
789 F.Supp. 395, 397 (S.D.Fla.,1992)

"As a result, Prime Time's removal, almost ten months after Muir commenced suit, is untimely and is a defect deemed “way” improvident. For similar reasons, the court finds that removal of the Noble case, which had been remanded, was also untimely. In short, Prime Time's most bogus attempt at removal is “not worthy” and the Defendants must “party on” in state court."

How many of you kids even get this reference? Here's a most excellent hint:

Thursday, March 5, 2009

ho hum

Not much going on around here lately, so I'll leave you with this little gem...

54 F.R.D. 282, (W.D. Pa., 1971)

WEBER, District Judge.

Plaintiff, alleging jurisdiction under 18 U.S.C. § 241, 28 U.S.C. § 1343, and 42 U.S.C. § 1983 prays for leave to file a complaint for violation of his civil rights in forma pauperis. He alleges that Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall.

Plaintiff alleges that by reason of these acts Satan has deprived him of his constitutional rights.

We feel that the application to file and proceed in forma pauperis must be denied. Even if plaintiff's complaint reveals a prima facie recital of the infringement of the civil rights of a citizen of the United States, the Court has serious doubts that the complaint reveals a cause of action upon which relief can be granted by the court. We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district. The complaint contains no allegation of residence in this district. While the official reports disclose no case where this defendant has appeared as defendant there is an unofficial account of a trial in New Hampshire where this defendant filed an action of mortgage foreclosure as plaintiff. The defendant in that action was represented by the preeminent advocate of that day, and raised the defense that the plaintiff was a foreign prince with no standing to sue in an American Court. This defense was overcome by overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Whether or not this would raise an estoppel in the present case we are unable to determine at this time.

If such action were to be allowed we would also face the question of whether it may be maintained as a class action. It appears to meet the requirements of Fed.R. of Civ.P. 23 that the class is so numerous that joinder of all members is impracticable, there are questions of law and fact common to the class, and the claims of the representative party is typical of the claims of the class. We cannot now determine if the representative party will fairly protect the interests of the class.

We note that the plaintiff has failed to include with his complaint the required form of instructions for the United States Marshal for directions as to service of process.
For the foregoing reasons we must exercise our discretion to refuse the prayer of plaintiff to proceed in forma pauperis.

It is ordered that the complaint be given a miscellaneous docket number and leave to proceed in forma pauperis be denied.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

more snow!!!! yayyyy!!!!!

And laaaaateerrrrrr, there was even MORE SNOW!!! Apollo was staring out the window and whining and moaning and begging to go out, like so:



Our mini-snowman got a leetle bit buried


so we decided to make a full-sized snowwoman!


Here she is chillin' (HA HA!) with the penguin and me:


Of course, I had to make a snowcupcake:


We frolicked some more, too!




And here is a video of earlier frolicking that you missed because blogger and photobucket do not understand each other, so I'm forever switching to youtube:

Apollo got to come outside to make some yellow snow:


And he made a new friend! They frolicked their little doggie asses off!


Walking to the gas station for emergency Coke Zero:



People tryna drive on 441 - FAIL!


Our neighborhood, looking uncharacteristically picturesque and fancy:










Yippee skippy hooray!!!