Sunday, January 25, 2009

i guess you had to be there

This post is really only going to be of interest to me and my family.

Probably just me, actually.

So feel free to skip it, but I do recommend giving the photos a quick peek, unless you are totally lame and not interested in seeing us in imminent danger of being killed by hordes of bloodthirsty alligators.

New Year's Eve

My New Year's resolution ("No Food '09") got off to a bad start with a stop at Steak 'n Shake:

Where I decided that I must be adopted because my uncle can eat and drink whatever he wants and not get fat.

No Food '09 frowns upon the drinking of milkshakes. Hmph.

Once we got to our hotel in Orlando, we went to play mini-golf at the Pirate's Cove across the street and it was so so so fun!!! It was super awesome and the funnest course ever and we had such a great time, and wasn't it a shame that Annette wasn't there for it???

Look, just LOOK at all the awesomeness!!

There were some ducks:

And a buccaneer in a tree!

And a pirate ship manned entirely by Christmas packages!

Look how much fun we were having!

And I am convinced it was an enchanted mini-golf course because we all played well, even MEEEEE! Ryan always plays well, though, because he takes his mini-golfing very seriously.

I, on the other hand, take smiling radiantly for photos very seriously.

I have my priorities in order.

I also think it was enchanted because Chris was approached by a panhandling leprechaun:

who said in his wee little voice, "Wanna buy some candy to support the Bulldogs? It's five dollars." He told us he wasn't allowed to sell the individual packages (it does say so on the label), so we could only buy the whole thing. How purchasing the candy went to support the Bulldogs remains unclear.

Because my uncle is really very nice a sucker, he forked over the money. Apparently leprechauns dislike being photographed because when I snapped that shot, he glared at me and said, "Why did you just take a picture of me?!" and it almost got ugly, but I saved the day and cleverly distracted him by pointing out that the hole where the transaction took place looked quite a lot like a butt, so it was fair to call it a butthole.

It's a good thing I knew that leprechauns enjoy toilet humor.

And so, No Food '09 failed again as I ate three packs of overpriced enchanted M&M's.

Poor Ryan and Chris both lost their balls to this water hazard.

HA HA, get it??

But Ryan still won, and we know this because he is Very Serious and competitory and winningfied, so he had to keep score and tally it all up.

Lame. But guess what?????? For the first time ever, I DIDN'T LOSE!!! Chris did!

And it was the funnest awesomest time EVER, and you don't see Annette in any photos because she wasn't there, poor thing, and will just have to be happy with Mountasia and never know the excellence that is Pirate's Cove. When we picked her up from the airport after we finished our awesomest funnest most bestest mini-golf game ever, she was pretty disappointed that she missed out.

But then she was happy!

We went to dinner at Cafe Tu Tu Tango which was right across from our hotel, and next door to the awesomest, funnest mini-golf course ever that Annette totally wasn't there to enjoy.

At Cafe Tu Tu Tango, there was an "artist":

And there was a balloon knotter:

And there was "dancing":

And there was a Chris:

And there was an Annette:

And there was my Ryan!!!!! On a holiday!!! Thanks, Best Buy!

And I was so happy he was there that I didn't even get mad when he treated me like the paparazzi.

And again, since he's my favorite:

And there was food:

And it was actually delicious, too, and No Food '09 was all disapproving of all the consumption, but I told that bitch to shut up and sit down.

And there was drinking:

I always crave face when I drink:

AND, this is the best part, there were free party hats and noisemakers!

Chris liked the noisemakers. A lot.

Then we left the restaurant, and Chris played a kazoo he found on the ground. Since he'd also stolen my noisemaker, I whipped out the festive orange rape whistle I got for Christmas and went to town.

That sumbitch is loud. You'd better think before you fuck with me. I'll deafen you.

Then we got back to the hotel and "HAPPY NEW YEAR"ed and I smooched my honey and was so happy he was there and not working (ew), but I did not finish even a single glass of champagne (compared to last year's three bottles - stop making that face; I split 'em with Mary!) because Whole Foods does not sell Andre, and their suggested replacement of Cristalino was grossy gross.

The next morning afternoon we got out of bed feeling a leetle hung over and headed to the Capital One Bowl. First we met up with Lee & William, but I forgot to take pictures with them.


When we got to the stadium some hippie Jesus people sold Annette a cool rose made out of palm fronds or something, and they were pretty nice hippie Jesus people because they didn't seem offended at all when she asked if they could custom make "something pornographic" for her.

They couldn't.

I have videos of the "refs" booty dancing with the strippers cheerleaders at halftime, but I decided not to post it because I don't really find booty dancing males to be so hilarious except for the ones in my Zumba class.

Some gratuitous photos of us you don't care about:

I still have forehead pimples from that hat.

This actually happened:

But I'm prissy too, so I don't judge.

The game was lots of fun, actually, except the part where I peed all down my left leg when in my zeal not to touch anything in the bathroom stall, I panicked and lost my balance when I nearly bumped into the toilet.

Ugh. I may have smelt of nursing home for the rest of the day, but at least it was my pee and not some creepy Floridian ass filth. Totally worth it.

I am becoming a much better football fan because a couple of times I knew when to stand up and cheer (and did) instead of just going through the motions and then asking Ryan afterwards what we were happy about.

And we won the game! Woot woot!

Then we went to the outlet mall, but you don't care about that. All I bought were really REALLY tall socks from American Apparel and some static balls for the dryer from the As Seen on TV store.

Tolja you didn't care about that.

By the way, did you know that Hell itself is located on International Drive in Orlando?

Me neither, which is why I'm warning you about it now. I could smell the gardenias and brimstone from the car. Terrifying.

The next day we went to.......


Gatorland is like the awesomest place ever, the only place even awesomer than the super awesome Pirate's Cove mini-golf course that my unfortunate aunt did not get to experience because she wasn't there that time we went to the Pirate's Cove and had the most fun EVER.

At Gatorland there is lots of extreme wildlife, for example, this pair of ferocious turtles:

And this alligator, poised to attack an unsuspecting bird:

The bird was paralyzed with fear:

A gator stack:

Contrary to popular opinion about elves and reindeer and the baby Jesus and whatnot, Christmas is actually guarded by a battalion of adolescent gators:

But the War on Christmas prevailed, and echoes of "happy holidays" and "season's greetings" rang throughout the (gator)land!

The answer to the age old question, "Do gators get fat?" You betcha!

I was so heartbroken when we discovered that, as it has been for the past ten years, the Mold-a-Rama was broken!

Because I really need my own little $2 wax gator statue!!!!!

But then we found another Mold-a-Rama, which was not the traditional lone gator, but it sort of has a bestiality kind of theme to it, so I was satisfied.

I was also pleased to see that this was not the only sexy item available for purchase at Gatorland. Observe:


Although I think a gator-shaped personal massager would have been more (in?)appropriate. But I digress.

We encountered more extremeness when we happened upon a bird courting death:

This extreme gator floated terrifyingly toward us:

I'm going to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that he lost his foot doing something really extreme and not from the diabeetus he probably got from ten years of lying around gorging on hot dogs and intoxicated tourists (they sell beer there - can we say wrongful death?):

Speaking of gators eating tourist, best sign ever:

Gatorland is also home to a couple of maneating parrots:

Who are so extreme that they get their very own threatening signage:

Although the "dadgum" makes them seem a trifle less fearsome.

In addition to extreme wildlife, Gatorland is also home to all sorts of interesting signage, including more good dirty stuff:

What is even more interesting is how the visitors choose to apply their new knowledge:

Maybe the guy in the bestiality Mold-a-Rama is actually Chris.

That wasn't the only sign about sex noises, either:

Adjacent to the deer sex noise sign was the Gatorland Glory Hole:

The snake exhibits had all kinds of exciting and sinister backdrops, suggesting the awesome havoc these snakes would wreak on careless unsupervised toddlers, were they not encased in one-square-foot plexiglass boxes:

We also got to have an extreme up-close feeding frenzy encounter with some hunger-crazed, bloodthirsty alligators, that were not so bloodthirsty or hunger-crazed anymore by the time it was our turn to toss fetid hunks of steak at their heads.

"Aim for the side of the head, and make a big splash!" the tour guide recommended.

Or, if you're Chris, aim for the side of the head, make a big splash, and somehow manage to make the steak skip right over the alligator's head causing a gatorfight!

Or, if you're Ryan, land the hunk of steak in the center of the gator's back and ruin its life.

The up-close extreme fetid-steak-throwing alligator encounter was not the only new thing since I last visited Gatorland. They also have some fancy shit now, like this lookout tower:

which provided a nice view of the park

and helpfully suggested other exotic Florida cities we might like to visit, such as


There was also an extremely wonderful petting zoo with creepy looking de-horned goats!

I am going to tell you a leetle secret. I am sometimes afraid of furry critters, even if they are cute and loveful and good.

Especially when they and their sinister cloven hooves are climbing over the fence to get to me and my cake cone full of goat nibblets.

This goat and Ryan were friends because their sweaters kind of matched.

The goatses just lurrrrved A-net:

Because this sign at the petting zoo exit was not anywhere else in the salmonella-infested park, I can only assume that goats are especially unsanitary:

Before we left, we got to see the Gator Wrestlin Show:

Further proof that people in Florida are dumb because as everyone who's anyone knows, it's spelled wrasslin'. DUH.

My camera battery died, so I don't really have any photos, but here's a quick synopsis: a crazy man tried to feed a four-year-old boy named Gavin to a horde of bloodthirsty alligators. The crazy man spared Gavin, and then sat on an alligator for a while, telling us the history of gator wrasslin'. Then he put the gator's mouth in his mouth, which was disgusting and I think begging for salmonella.

We left Gatorland and went to a delicious restaurant called Seasons 52 where everything on the menu is both delicious and under 450 calories, which means you can eat like forty items, which we all definitely did. Also, my family and the waiter allege that when I ordered the chipotle prawns, I actually said "I'll have the chic-fil-a prawns" but I don't believe that crap for a second. They are all old as hell and hard of hearing and mean evil liars.

Anyhooters (a word I stole from Crissy), it was lots and lots of super fun and Chris and A-net are the bestest for taking us on a super fun trip, and especially the part where we went to the Pirate's Cove for putt-putt, but A-net wasn't there, and it was such a shame because it was really oh-so-fun and awesome and excellence and enchantment and M&Ms.