Sunday, January 4, 2009

four inappropriate stories


Soooooooo, at the end of the wedding weekend Hairdresser Smurf promised me a free haircut. Yesterday I took him up on it, although I was concerned he might not remember (or might pretend to not remember) because he was pretty damn drunk and his cuts are 60 bucks.

I arrived at the salon and settled into the chair for my cut. We talked a little about the wedding, and to my delight he was ready and willing to discuss how weird it was.

We chatted about this and that, and he told me that he's also a "freelance" musician (i.e., not in a band right now), but he's got a lot of things going on that should take off any time! He also expects to get signed soon.

He also told me several stories about his life. See, here's the thing - I like gross stories just fine, but (from personal experience) I am pretty confident that most people don't, so I was rather surprised when he shared the following anecdotes:

One

On his 18th birthday he was drunk and arrested for smoking a joint. He was already handcuffed and in the back seat of the police car when he told the officer he really needed to pee. The officer said he'd have to wait until they got to the jail. Hairdresser told the officer that he was drunk and he really needed to pee and couldn't wait. The officer again told him he'd have to hold it. Hairdresser explained, "I was wearing shorts, and I was able to kind of twist them back and forth til the zipper came down. Once the fly was open, I was able to you know, kind of

flip it out

so I could pee. I peed all over the car, and some of it even shot up through the cage and hit the officer in the head!"

Two

A girlfriend once took Hairdresser home to meet her parents. They were staying at her parents' house in her bedroom. She and Hairdresser both got very drunk, so he decided to go to bed, but his girlfriend wanted to stay up. He drunkenly made his way alone though the dark in the unfamiliar house in search of a bathroom for a pre-bedtime pee. I'll let him tell you the rest.

"So, like, I found a door, and I thought that's where the bathroom was earlier, so I went in I like, lifted up this lid, so like, I thought it was the toilet, right? 'Cause there was a lid, right? So, like, I'm starting to pee, and like, I'm so drunk, and it's like kinda going behind the lid, and then I realized I'm pissing on her frickin' parents' feet, man!! It was like some kind of hamper at the foot of their bed, and I lifted up the lid and started pissing, and when I missed, I peed all over their feet! And they woke up and were like, 'What!!!" and I was drunk so I couldn't stop peeing and I was laughing and making the pee spray everywhere and like on them and her dad was like 'You could at least stop!' and I was like 'I can't! HAHAHAH' and it was like so funny 'cause I peed all over them!"

Three

Hairdresser once had a roommate who brought home a greasy Jersey guy. The next morning she told Hairdresser not to eat the banana on the counter because she had gotten the greasy Jersey guy really drunk and shoved the banana up his ass and then put it back.

"But why?" I asked.

"To be funny!" Hairdresser replied.

See, they had a third roommate.

"So like, a little while later, our other roommate came in, munching on the banana, and the greasy Jersey guy was like, 'Man, that fuckin' banana was up my ass last night!' and it was like, so fricking funny, and you know, like, it's not that gross, 'cause bananas have skin."

Four - and you know I've saved the best for last

When he was nineteen, he had a credit card that he didn't pay, and the debt was sent to collections. Enraged as only a teenage male can be at the repeated notices, he wrote "CONSIDER THIS PAID IN FULL" on the bill, literally wiped his ass with it, and mailed it back.

"And it was like, visibly soiled," he added.

***

I eyed his hairbrushes and styling tools with trepidation, but my haircut turned out great (the bangs are back!), and he remembered he'd promised me a freebie. He escorted me to the door and gave me not one but two extremely awkward kisses on the jaw.

What - that's as high as the little guy can reach.

2 comments:

Reagan said...

Seriously laughed out loud at the hairdresser's stories. And am still horrified.

And well done with the tree! Alton Brown was signed up for my gun safety class over break (no joke) but had to cancel last minute. Lame.

KMH-F said...

Holy crap! I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time! Thank you!!!