Friday, January 23, 2009

gross! (if you are easily offended or grossed out or are my grandma who is both of those things, I highly recommend you read no further)

There is some narsty shit in this post, including pictures, so even if you are not easily offended or grossed out or my grandma, you should probably not view it in a public place such as school, work, or church.

Actually, church would be pretty funny. Do that, please, and then tell me alllllllll about it.

Bleh, I was just checking out adam & eve's New Year's sales on "personal massagers" and the like when I decided to look at the "novelty items" for men.

Because I mean, really, once you've seen one (or twenty) vibrators, you've pretty much seen them all. Snore.

So for a little variety, I clicked over to the men's department, and can I just say, you guys are fucking gross?????

You guys are fucking gross!

I am not sure why I think am absolutely certain that latex vaginas and assholes are grosser than latex peens, but GOD, they are. (Btw, spell check says "vaginas" should be "vaginae." What the fuck?)

I mean, there are some kind of gross looking dildos out there, for sure. They're all veiny and realistic, and what's even the point of that? Grossy, veiny, hairy peens are available for free at pretty much any local bar. Pink sparkly ones with cute woodland-creature-inspired attachments are harder to come by (heh, heh), so it makes sense to buy them.

But even then, that's not really it. It isn't anatomical correctness that even makes the fake poonanies and assholes gross (spell check is untroubled by "poonanies" - I surely must have added it at some point, right??) because pretty much without exception, they are fairly unrealistic looking. It's something about their simple existence that sets my intestines to twisting.


I mean this definitely has some anatomically disturbing features such as the withered legs and the teeny baby feet, and oh yeah, the HUGE SWOLLEN ROAST BEEF SANDWICH, too, but that's not it. What makes me barf is the idea of some furry sweating comic book store guy humping this poor thing and slapping its ass. I mean, what the fuck? Wouldn't doing that make you feel like such a weirdo?

Because it should, boys, it really should.

But what's even worse is the idea of a nice, normal guy pounding and grinding on it, and I bet that happens! I bet there are some perfectly Nice Boys who have creepy disemtorsoed, teeny-footed, roast beefy bubble butts stashed in their closets.

Also, I have to say that the Arby's Original pussy looks like a damn baby is about to pop out of it. Horsey sauce, anyone? OM NOM NOM.

This thing is pretty fucking gross too:

(French-manicured hand sold separately.)

It looks like a bloated anemone. If I had a dick (that was attached to me), I am pretty sure I would not want to stick it in there.

This next one I have included because I think it's just a stupid waste of money:

And I also included it because I wanted to say that I really really really wish they had called it The Butterfinger. But(t) really, why would you pay for this? Assuming you have fingers, it's a waste of money, and assuming you do not have fingers, what are you going to attach it to to use it? Either way, you need fingers, and the fingers themselves kind of moot the entire thing, dontcha think?

The "waterproof prostate massager" just sounds too medical to me.

It also make me think vaguely of colonoscopy. I don't know about you, but I am not interested in a sex toy that seems like it might charge me a copay and then send me a bill for some unexpected fees that my insurance company refused.

The Crystal Virgin with a built-in hymen makes me want to just murder you all on principle:

You creepy sacks of shit.

I do love the product reviews though:

"the hymen is nice but is only good the first time."

Alas, isn't that always the case? What a shame. Even modern manufacturing can't quite remedy Nature's little joke, can it?

And apparently Crystal is really only good for a fling, not the kind of girl you'd want to take home to Mom

"Its Good for about two or so m onths if you masterbate daily, just use lube and try not to be rough with it like i was, Its piocket sized you can stash it away easily but the material feels good but not very durable."

Ohhohohhoh, menfolks. Truly, I can't decide whether to sit back and laugh at you or set you all on fire.

Maybe I should just do both. Yeah. Both sounds good.


Anonymous said...

So basically your major beef here is that there are not enough woodland creatures on these items for guys? Nothing personal, but as disturbing as these are, I would be even more grossed out by a rainbow brite latex vagina or one shaped like a unicorn, that would really creep me out.

chris said...

hehee... Anonymous said "major beef." No gatorlands blog? :(