how NOT to act

Here is what NOT to do in life:

Do NOT call your friend (oh, say, ME, for example) up and say, "Hey!!!! Jeannie-poo!!!!! I am moving to a foreign country in 3 months and will probably never see you again, but would you ever guess that I will be in ATHENS on FRIDAY, so I would LOVE TO SEE YOU!!! It might be the last time I can see you before I move, and I'm never coming back!"

The reason you should not do this is that your friend, if she were me, will surely reply, "Ohmigaw!! Well, I can't wait to hear all about this overseas moving away forever excitingness!" and then she will say, sure, you and your friend can totally crash here Friday night after your comedy show, and she will rearrange her schedule and her plans with her mom so she can be around to hang out with you because she considers you a dear friend and wants to see you and hear all about and pretend to be interested in your life plans.

And then after she does all that, you should not let her sit around downtown waiting for two hours for your show to let out because she will have whined to her husband who just spent ten hours at work that he better come out and meet you guys for drinks because you'll be out of that show any minute now like you said, and you're MOVING TO AN EXOTIC FOREIGN COUNTRY, for god's sake, and he really should appreciate that it's an extraordinary circumstance and forego sleep to visit with you because it's very important to his wife.

And then after they decide that two hours is long enough to wait on you and head home and leave you a key and clean sheets and an air mattress for your buddy and towels in the bathroom, and all manner of polite and hospitable things, et cetera, et cetera, and wait up for your for a while, finally retiring to bed at TWO A.M. when you STILL have not shown up, you should definitely not get up the next morning, chat with your friend for one hour and then leave, announcing, "Welp, we're going to that place you really like, 5 Star Day, for brunch," and then not even invite me your friend. And when your friend, if she were me, says, "Oooh, yeah, I love that place. It's probably my favorite place in Athens!" you should really really not say something to the effect of, "Yeah, it's really good there! Whelp, Jeannie-poo, this is probably the last time we'll see each other! Take care! Thanks for letting us crash!"

Because then I, I mean your friend, will probably realize you are a total user who just wanted a place to stay, and that in spite of your plans to move out of the country forever, and in spite of your having been my her friend for several years, you do not give half a shit about spending any time with me her. I She would be unable to believe that you did not even invite me her to brunch.

And then I she would try and shrug it off and be like, "Oh, well, he's gone forever anyhow, so there's no point in even worrying about it," but then I she would look into the guest room and see that you left it looking like THIS:


(Dramatization. I She would have already stripped off the linens and washed them by now because you always smell like dirty hair.)

And I she would be like "Oh, HELLLLL NAAAHHHHH," and DONE, yes, DONE, and think to herself, "Bon voyage, good riddance, and best of luck tending your delusions of grandeur."

And that is my her advice to all of you on how NOT to behave in life.