Tuesday, February 24, 2009

oh no

I have been invited to a Fancy Thing.

Because I Christmas-treed (no joke) the LSAT surprisingly well, I got a modest scholarship from the fine people at Synovus. WELL. As you probably know, I have not Christmas-treed actual law school terribly well, but whatever. I send them a thank-you note once a year, and bladdey blah, and I really do appreciate it. Anyhoo, this morning I got an invitation to some reception thingy with Fancy Old UGA Grad #1, Senior Executive Vice President, General Counsel and Secretary of TSYS (formerly in the same position at Synovus, but what the fuck is TSYS? Anyone?), and Fancy Old UGA Grad #2, retired Chairman and CEO of Synovus. Apparently they would be just "delighted" if I could attend and meet them.

I do not think they would be delighted. I think they will be like, "This kid? Really? We gave this weird kid our money? Can we get out of that? Can somebody work on getting us out of that?"

And to make matters worse.......U-ROD will be there, looking at me all shiftily and giving me her evil C-is-for-Corporations stank eye and just generally gnoming around and making me uncomfortable.

I really cannot imagine anything worse than this reception.

"So, Jeannie, how did you spend last summer?"

"Ahh, well, I didn't actually get a job."

"Oh, well, that's fine, that's fine, many people don't find work their 1L summer."

"Yeah, I pretty much just laid at the pool and worked on my tan. I probably drank more than I should, too."

"So what are your plans for this summer?"

"Well, as you can see, I've gotten pretty pasty. I did at one point have a tanning bed membership, and I still do actually, but they let you suspend it, isn't that nice? But anyway, I quit going because I was basically getting in there half-dressed anyhow because no matter how often I went my butt always got the fuck burned out of it, so I had to keep my bottoms on, and THEN I got worried, if I get skin cancer on my boobs or nipples, could that turn into, like, breast cancer? So THEN I was wearing my bikini TOP as well, and it just didn't really make sense to use the tanning bed anymore, so I quit going. So I am really looking forward to using my time this summer to build my tan back up because I hate being pale. It makes the cottage cheese so much more visible, you know?"

What I imagine happening next looks something like the Hindenburg disaster:

And then Jolee will courageously intervene and say,

"Well, it was lovely meeting you, Fancy UGA Grads. Time to take Jeannie home for her meds!"

And you might ask yourself, "Self, why is Jolee there?" Well, she will be there because I have A Plan, and a mighty good one at that. See, I am allowed to bring a guest with me to this Fancy Thing, and I figure a) Ryan will have to work and b) he would probably hate it almost as much as I will, and so I will bring her as my guest and then they will all a) think I am a gay (of which I am 1/3 guilty anyway) and b) ignore me accordingly, and then I can indulge in free food & drink (your Spring Semester Special Fee at work!) and skulk away unnoticed.


1 comment:

Reagan said...

Crazy!! I had to go to a board meeting at TSYS/Synovous and sit with all the fancy pants people when I worked for homeland security...good times! Their boardroom table was wooden and had an intricate carving of their building on it, then covered in glass. Enjoy the reception ;)