Wednesday, March 18, 2009

public service announcement: cosmetics edition

Okay, so from time to time, this and that kind of makeup will be deemed out of style or whatever. This is often a Good Thing. For example,






Thank heavens that we now all know we should not use the paint-by-number method on our faces, nor should we draw on massive fake moles.

Gross!

Naturally, sometimes things also come into style that are just wretched (see: above). I'd like to clue you all in on one of them. The "V."

Oh, the "V."

Okay, so like, say you want a smoky eye or something. Here is what the makeup powers that be are now telling you to do. First, you put a light color all over your lid. THEN you make some crazy sideways V-shape with a much, MUCH darker color, along your lashline and in the crease.

BARF.

You know what this looks like? I'll tell you what this looks like. This looks like drag queen makeup. Know why? Because it is drag queen makeup. I do not think there is anything wrong with drag queen makeup; in fact, I quite love it, but only on drag queens. Behold, the lovely and talented Jackie Beat:





Mmm-hm!

Or the girlfriends of Hugh Hefner. They totally look drag queenish as well, and I suppose that's fine. Look at these queens:



Good lord. Kendra looks like the Rock of Love Bus threw up all over her. And while I'm at it, what the fuck is up with Bridget's thigh highs? Those are like grandma stockings or something. Also, what is that butt floating in the air above them? A collective thought bubble? A not-so-classical ceiling fresco? I guess I'll never know.


And SPEAKING of Rock of Love Bus!!!! Natasha, honey, the "V" ain't doing you any favors keeping your "T" a secret.



Mm-HM!


Anyway, I am seeing this new "style" everywhere from Sports Center idiot Cindy Brunson:


(btdubs, Cindy, your puns are GOD AWFUL.)

to the ladies of the Tool Academy:



to the Clinique lady who recently instructed JPo on eyeshadow application. Granted, the colors she used were entirely inoffensive in the "V" configuration, but she is spreading around the same dangerous principle.

And, also, I ask you, what the heck is the point??? When your eyes are OPEN, it looks just like it would if you had the darker color all over your lid, and when your eyes are CLOSED, you look......well......

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Quote of the Three Wednesdays Ago (for which we paid money)

"I don't use adjectives to brag about things any more than is already documented!"
--Count von Count, on what sets him apart from those sharky Itlanna lawyahs


Monday, March 9, 2009

a super-sized helping of crazy

Recently I have been making a couple of cuts in the friend department - Bridezilla and that me-dissing, bed-mussing, stinky-haired lunatic. It feels a little weird to just sort of break up with people who have been around for years, but it needed to be done.

Anyway, I have decided that if I wouldn't tolerate certain behaviors out of certain people were I to meet them today, I am not going to tolerate them out of the people I've known for quite some time. Thus, I would like to discuss this ridiculous email I received today from my stinky-haired, selfish, room-using former friend,whose calls I have not answered since he totally crapped all over me a few weeks back...

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Here is my secret gmail account since my hotmail account is not professional enough for you, haha. (I do not like your stupid comma plus haha construction. It's annoying.)

I haven't been able to get a hold of you the last few calls, so I thought I would drop u (Seriously? I am not even worth a fully-spelled "you?") a line.

I am about to leave Atlanta for good in a few weeks (oh, NO) so I have been acknowledging people that meant a lot to me during my time here (because they always had apartments located conveniently near places I like to frequent). I really have appreciated our friendship the last few years (particularly because you would always pick me up when I was drunk in the middle of the night, be nice to me when I tried to date self-destructively out of my league and got repeatedly rejected, AND let me crash at your place allthefucking time even though I never failed to complain that your place was messy, and you have too many pets). It has meant a lot to me (to always have a place to pass out after I party too much), I appreciate how we can push each other's buttons and still be friends in the end. I think you are an incredibly powerful person (Jeannie does NOT appreciate canned compliments straight from your creepy DEFINITELYNOTTAcult's brochure. She selfishly prefers that you come up with things that actually apply to her as an individual.), I really hope that you find your true passion (how the hell do you know I haven't???), what inspires you (ditching selfish dickholes like you does that, actually), and take that to the next level. (What the fuck does "the next level" even mean? Does anyone even know? Possibly I should get more serious about cupcakes? Or perhaps I should take my passion for strong language to the next level, and say, "Fuck you, you fucking lunatic." I like that. Good suggestion, actually.)

One of my favorite persons (that'd be YOURSELF, right?) states, "the genius is one who listens to the light of his/her own soul and obeys." I know that sounds a little esoteric (It in fact does not sound esoteric at all. esoteric - adj: understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest. It's nice that you've purchased a thesaurus, but I highly suggest familiarizing yourself with a dictionary first.) but I believe it is one of the most pragmatic (what?) statements that I have ever heard (really????). I believe when you shed some of the layers that hold you back (oooh, I am a big fucking onion! sweet!), you will be able to reach unimaginable heights (SNORE). I did not mean to push [NAME OF PROGRAM DELETED BECAUSE IT LIKES TO SUE] (the corporate NONcrazy NONcult with the really good attorneys) on you (yes, you did) but I saw something that could unlock that tremendous potential of yours (BIGGEST EYE ROLL EVA). I know you will find it in your own way, on your own time (Thank god. Your assurance is so comforting; now I can finally stop worrying that I'll be a complete failure.).

Take care of Ryan like he takes care of you (do what??? I will surely take this astonishingly profound tidbit to heart, especially considering your excellent track record of successful two-week relationships. After all, "Quantity over quality" has always been my motto as well, especially where pussy is concerned!). He's a great guy and I want nothing but the best for both of you. Once again thanks for all the times we shared, the good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, and the humorous. I felt I have grown the most in the last 3 years and you definitely (Aw, the only thing that could have made me throw up on your face MORE was if you had spelled that "definately." I am truly disappointed, and I feel like you probably spelled it correctly on purpose, just to spite me.) played a part in that.

Good luck with the rest of school and I am sure I will see you around my friend (Really? Because last time I saw you, you said, "BYE, JEANNIE-POO! I will probably NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN! Off to BRUNCH NOW! BuhBYE!").

Yours in health (BARRRRRF)

Captain Selfish A-hole
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Here is all (else) I have to say in reply -

RE: countless comma splices

Dear Cpt. Ego,

THIS --> ; is called a semi-colon. Sharing a key with the colon, with which it should never be confused, it is located immediately to the right of the "L" on your standard QWERTY keyboard.

Do the world (and yourself) a favor and look it up, learn about it, and start using it.

Sincerely,

Jeannie

THE END.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for meeeeeeeeee!!

The weather is BEAUTY-FULL, and I am having the best days ever of no school and sun and warmth, etc, so I am being less life-lazy and more blog-lazy and poaching funny from the library's most recent newsletter crossword puzzle.

I bet I could have gotten away with it though, because who ever even looks at those? You should though; they're totally funny.

Noble v. Bradford Marine, Inc.
789 F.Supp. 395, 397 (S.D.Fla.,1992)

"As a result, Prime Time's removal, almost ten months after Muir commenced suit, is untimely and is a defect deemed “way” improvident. For similar reasons, the court finds that removal of the Noble case, which had been remanded, was also untimely. In short, Prime Time's most bogus attempt at removal is “not worthy” and the Defendants must “party on” in state court."

How many of you kids even get this reference? Here's a most excellent hint:


Thursday, March 5, 2009

ho hum

Not much going on around here lately, so I'll leave you with this little gem...

U. S. ex rel. MAYO v. SATAN AND HIS STAFF
54 F.R.D. 282, (W.D. Pa., 1971)

MEMORANDUM ORDER
WEBER, District Judge.

Plaintiff, alleging jurisdiction under 18 U.S.C. § 241, 28 U.S.C. § 1343, and 42 U.S.C. § 1983 prays for leave to file a complaint for violation of his civil rights in forma pauperis. He alleges that Satan has on numerous occasions caused plaintiff misery and unwarranted threats, against the will of plaintiff, that Satan has placed deliberate obstacles in his path and has caused plaintiff's downfall.

Plaintiff alleges that by reason of these acts Satan has deprived him of his constitutional rights.

We feel that the application to file and proceed in forma pauperis must be denied. Even if plaintiff's complaint reveals a prima facie recital of the infringement of the civil rights of a citizen of the United States, the Court has serious doubts that the complaint reveals a cause of action upon which relief can be granted by the court. We question whether plaintiff may obtain personal jurisdiction over the defendant in this judicial district. The complaint contains no allegation of residence in this district. While the official reports disclose no case where this defendant has appeared as defendant there is an unofficial account of a trial in New Hampshire where this defendant filed an action of mortgage foreclosure as plaintiff. The defendant in that action was represented by the preeminent advocate of that day, and raised the defense that the plaintiff was a foreign prince with no standing to sue in an American Court. This defense was overcome by overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Whether or not this would raise an estoppel in the present case we are unable to determine at this time.

If such action were to be allowed we would also face the question of whether it may be maintained as a class action. It appears to meet the requirements of Fed.R. of Civ.P. 23 that the class is so numerous that joinder of all members is impracticable, there are questions of law and fact common to the class, and the claims of the representative party is typical of the claims of the class. We cannot now determine if the representative party will fairly protect the interests of the class.

We note that the plaintiff has failed to include with his complaint the required form of instructions for the United States Marshal for directions as to service of process.
For the foregoing reasons we must exercise our discretion to refuse the prayer of plaintiff to proceed in forma pauperis.

It is ordered that the complaint be given a miscellaneous docket number and leave to proceed in forma pauperis be denied.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

more snow!!!! yayyyy!!!!!

And laaaaateerrrrrr, there was even MORE SNOW!!! Apollo was staring out the window and whining and moaning and begging to go out, like so:

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Our mini-snowman got a leetle bit buried

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so we decided to make a full-sized snowwoman!

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Here she is chillin' (HA HA!) with the penguin and me:

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Of course, I had to make a snowcupcake:

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We frolicked some more, too!

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And here is a video of earlier frolicking that you missed because blogger and photobucket do not understand each other, so I'm forever switching to youtube:



Apollo got to come outside to make some yellow snow:



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And he made a new friend! They frolicked their little doggie asses off!

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Walking to the gas station for emergency Coke Zero:

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People tryna drive on 441 - FAIL!

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Our neighborhood, looking uncharacteristically picturesque and fancy:

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Yippee skippy hooray!!!

BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SNOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so grumpy because it was raaaiiiining and raaaaiiiiining and gross and sloshy and cold, and I was pouting, and I said, "It NEVER SNOWS in our dumb tropical neighborhood and I hate my life and I'm going to BED!!!" And Ryan said, "I'll make it snow!!" And I said, "BLAHFHSOIHFODHG I AM GOING TO BED!" And then like ten minutes later, Ryan came in the bedroom and said, "I TOLD you I'd make it snow for you!!!" and he opened the blinds, and it was SNOOOWWWWIIINNNGGGG!!! He is MAGICAL!!!!!

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And then I was so happy, and I cuddled with all my fluffy pals!! (except Pickles because that is not how she rolls)

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And then we went to play in the SNOWWWW!!! WHEEEE!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!



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Apollo LOVES THE SNOW!!!

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Bitty Kitty does not love the snow, but Apollo loves it enough for both of them!



Pickles also did not enjoy the snow, but Apollo loves it enough for her too:







Cute puppy tracks:

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The view from our backyard:

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Mini-Frosty the Snowman, with a corncob nothing and a baby carrot nose, and two eyes made out of wasabi peeaaasss!

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Ryan made an awesome spoiler for my car:

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And then he frolicked:



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Anna's penguin finally feels at home in Georgia:

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