Wednesday, March 18, 2009

public service announcement: cosmetics edition

Okay, so from time to time, this and that kind of makeup will be deemed out of style or whatever. This is often a Good Thing. For example,






Thank heavens that we now all know we should not use the paint-by-number method on our faces, nor should we draw on massive fake moles.

Gross!

Naturally, sometimes things also come into style that are just wretched (see: above). I'd like to clue you all in on one of them. The "V."

Oh, the "V."

Okay, so like, say you want a smoky eye or something. Here is what the makeup powers that be are now telling you to do. First, you put a light color all over your lid. THEN you make some crazy sideways V-shape with a much, MUCH darker color, along your lashline and in the crease.

BARF.

You know what this looks like? I'll tell you what this looks like. This looks like drag queen makeup. Know why? Because it is drag queen makeup. I do not think there is anything wrong with drag queen makeup; in fact, I quite love it, but only on drag queens. Behold, the lovely and talented Jackie Beat:





Mmm-hm!

Or the girlfriends of Hugh Hefner. They totally look drag queenish as well, and I suppose that's fine. Look at these queens:



Good lord. Kendra looks like the Rock of Love Bus threw up all over her. And while I'm at it, what the fuck is up with Bridget's thigh highs? Those are like grandma stockings or something. Also, what is that butt floating in the air above them? A collective thought bubble? A not-so-classical ceiling fresco? I guess I'll never know.


And SPEAKING of Rock of Love Bus!!!! Natasha, honey, the "V" ain't doing you any favors keeping your "T" a secret.



Mm-HM!


Anyway, I am seeing this new "style" everywhere from Sports Center idiot Cindy Brunson:


(btdubs, Cindy, your puns are GOD AWFUL.)

to the ladies of the Tool Academy:



to the Clinique lady who recently instructed JPo on eyeshadow application. Granted, the colors she used were entirely inoffensive in the "V" configuration, but she is spreading around the same dangerous principle.

And, also, I ask you, what the heck is the point??? When your eyes are OPEN, it looks just like it would if you had the darker color all over your lid, and when your eyes are CLOSED, you look......well......

5 comments:

Mary said...

very good post- love the pictures to illustrate. However, you need a follow-up. W/o the V, how should we be painting our faces? with illustrations, please.

Annie K said...

As with the bubble hem, I must respectfully dissent. You present the reader with an unfair sample.

The V can be totally hot. See:

http://data-allocine.blogomaniac.fr/mdata/5/5/2/Z20070220180245170552255/img/keira_knightley_07lv_1_.jpg

And even if you think thats a little trashy (which is impossible for Kiera Knightly,) try an icon classic:

http://images.allposters.com/images/54/039_62445.jpg

You wouldn't take this picture:

http://images.amazon.com/images/P/B000FVAPPY.01-A1EMKORSSE01UN.PT03._SCLZZZZZZZ_V40834686_.jpg

and say "all bikinis look trashy!" Would you?

I'm just sayin'

jeannie said...

With due cosmetic respect to Annie's dissenting voice, I must point out her over-generalization of the facts.

Neither Kiera Knightly nor the irreproachable Audrey Hepburn sports the drag queen V. What makes the DQV so wretchedly/fabulously draggy are the telltale high-contrast colors (most frequently a sparkly yet opaque white, V'd with black) and lack of blending you see on Miz Beat, and that unfortunate slag from Tool Academy.

Finally, the dissent's bikini analogy, while humorous, further illustrates the dissent's misconstruction of the level specificity used in this opinion's comparison. The dissent is correct that we indeed would not say that all bikinis are trashy, but we most certainly would not be precluded from holding that all bikinis purporting to "cover" a woman's pussy with a hot pink slingshot indeed are. However, as bikinis are decidedly beyond the scope of this matter, this opinion need not make an official ruling.

Annie K said...

Ah, see. I thought you were launching a blanket attack on the V and all derivatives, not just the drag queen V.

Kelly said...

Great post! The "V" is new to me, but ug-ly! You are so right girl!