Monday, March 9, 2009

a super-sized helping of crazy

Recently I have been making a couple of cuts in the friend department - Bridezilla and that me-dissing, bed-mussing, stinky-haired lunatic. It feels a little weird to just sort of break up with people who have been around for years, but it needed to be done.

Anyway, I have decided that if I wouldn't tolerate certain behaviors out of certain people were I to meet them today, I am not going to tolerate them out of the people I've known for quite some time. Thus, I would like to discuss this ridiculous email I received today from my stinky-haired, selfish, room-using former friend,whose calls I have not answered since he totally crapped all over me a few weeks back...

Here is my secret gmail account since my hotmail account is not professional enough for you, haha. (I do not like your stupid comma plus haha construction. It's annoying.)

I haven't been able to get a hold of you the last few calls, so I thought I would drop u (Seriously? I am not even worth a fully-spelled "you?") a line.

I am about to leave Atlanta for good in a few weeks (oh, NO) so I have been acknowledging people that meant a lot to me during my time here (because they always had apartments located conveniently near places I like to frequent). I really have appreciated our friendship the last few years (particularly because you would always pick me up when I was drunk in the middle of the night, be nice to me when I tried to date self-destructively out of my league and got repeatedly rejected, AND let me crash at your place allthefucking time even though I never failed to complain that your place was messy, and you have too many pets). It has meant a lot to me (to always have a place to pass out after I party too much), I appreciate how we can push each other's buttons and still be friends in the end. I think you are an incredibly powerful person (Jeannie does NOT appreciate canned compliments straight from your creepy DEFINITELYNOTTAcult's brochure. She selfishly prefers that you come up with things that actually apply to her as an individual.), I really hope that you find your true passion (how the hell do you know I haven't???), what inspires you (ditching selfish dickholes like you does that, actually), and take that to the next level. (What the fuck does "the next level" even mean? Does anyone even know? Possibly I should get more serious about cupcakes? Or perhaps I should take my passion for strong language to the next level, and say, "Fuck you, you fucking lunatic." I like that. Good suggestion, actually.)

One of my favorite persons (that'd be YOURSELF, right?) states, "the genius is one who listens to the light of his/her own soul and obeys." I know that sounds a little esoteric (It in fact does not sound esoteric at all. esoteric - adj: understood by or meant for only the select few who have special knowledge or interest. It's nice that you've purchased a thesaurus, but I highly suggest familiarizing yourself with a dictionary first.) but I believe it is one of the most pragmatic (what?) statements that I have ever heard (really????). I believe when you shed some of the layers that hold you back (oooh, I am a big fucking onion! sweet!), you will be able to reach unimaginable heights (SNORE). I did not mean to push [NAME OF PROGRAM DELETED BECAUSE IT LIKES TO SUE] (the corporate NONcrazy NONcult with the really good attorneys) on you (yes, you did) but I saw something that could unlock that tremendous potential of yours (BIGGEST EYE ROLL EVA). I know you will find it in your own way, on your own time (Thank god. Your assurance is so comforting; now I can finally stop worrying that I'll be a complete failure.).

Take care of Ryan like he takes care of you (do what??? I will surely take this astonishingly profound tidbit to heart, especially considering your excellent track record of successful two-week relationships. After all, "Quantity over quality" has always been my motto as well, especially where pussy is concerned!). He's a great guy and I want nothing but the best for both of you. Once again thanks for all the times we shared, the good, the bad, the ugly, the embarrassing, and the humorous. I felt I have grown the most in the last 3 years and you definitely (Aw, the only thing that could have made me throw up on your face MORE was if you had spelled that "definately." I am truly disappointed, and I feel like you probably spelled it correctly on purpose, just to spite me.) played a part in that.

Good luck with the rest of school and I am sure I will see you around my friend (Really? Because last time I saw you, you said, "BYE, JEANNIE-POO! I will probably NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN! Off to BRUNCH NOW! BuhBYE!").

Yours in health (BARRRRRF)

Captain Selfish A-hole

Here is all (else) I have to say in reply -

RE: countless comma splices

Dear Cpt. Ego,

THIS --> ; is called a semi-colon. Sharing a key with the colon, with which it should never be confused, it is located immediately to the right of the "L" on your standard QWERTY keyboard.

Do the world (and yourself) a favor and look it up, learn about it, and start using it.





PunkyBean said...

Ok, remind me to never get on your bad side! :)

I totally understand the bad-friends situation, but I can't break up with them. I just repeatedly fight with them. That doesn't even make sense! My "best friend" is a seriously stuck up bitch who judges everyone. I would NEVER be friends with someone like that if I hadn't known her for like twenty years...

Jillian said...

I have no idea what anything in that first email means. Maybe you did because maybe that's how your friend always sounds. But I would be ticked if I got a last email like that from anyone but a beloved professor.

On your email:
Did you really send that??
I am constantly amazed and amused that you can be so much nicer than me and then so much meaner than me without batting an eye.

jeannie said...

PunkyBean - When I say "break up," I don't actually tell them to piss up a rope. I just stop answering calls, delete them from facebook, and blog with all the fury of hell. That's the honorable thing to do, you know.

Jillian - No, I did not actually send that email. See above for more info. :) And yes, I walk a fine line between good and evil, but I wouldn't have it any other way!

jeannie said...

Oh, AND yes, Jillian, that is what pissed me off quite so much - that idiotic "heartfelt" paen to our friendship could have been sent from any asshole TO any asshole, and it had nothing to do with me as a person.

Also, he was not always like that. He used to be totally normal, then he joined some creepy corporate inspirational NONcult and went completely fucking crazy.

Reagan said...

Ahhh- I remember this guy!!!

Well, it's good he's gone for good.

Annie K said...

Okay, I was totally on your side until you got to the whole semicolon thing. I have never been able to master it's use, and I'm pretty sure I'm in this boat with at least a large minority of your readers. I will tolerate your insult, only because you have many redeeming qualities.

I do, however,find for you on the actual merits of your argument and grant you an immediate disenfriendchisement. While GA isn't among the no-fault dissolution of friendship states, your petition prevails on grounds of extreme douchery and infliction of boring psycho-babble-cult-garbage.

It should be noted that the court intentionally made no attempt to spell check (and actually considered spelling extra words incorrectly) because the court loves Jeannie, but wants her to love the court for who the court is, a bad punctuator, and sometimes a misspeller of words, even simple ones, like believe.

Anonymous said...

I had forgot to axe how ur trip to the meeting thingie Jared goes to went.. Now I know!
-Unka Chris

Anonymous said...

damn i forgotta mention we boughted a trailer 4 the compound

Morgan said...

So, I normally read your blog when I'm trapped in purgatory for four hours every Wednesday. This was too funny. My professor likely wondered why a huge smile suddenly graced my face and was likely wrongly excited thinking one of his non-jokes was actually funny! Anyway, sounds like this person is a real tool and you deserve better!