Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Quote of the Day

*ring ring or whatever obnoxious fake song my phone plays*

"Hey, real quick, I have a customer here who's trying to remember the name of the celebrity who's been in a feud with Katy Perry, and I figured you would know."
-- the Huz

UPDATE: I knew.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

cleavage fail: weighing in on Miss California because it's slightly less boring than studying

So everyone's all up in arms, and Bill O'Reilly is like, "YOU CAN'T PUNISH SOMEONE FOR THEIR OPINION!!! THIS IS AMERICA!!!!"

I know it's unfairly easy to take shots at Bill O'Reilly, and because I'm feeling fairly lazy (see: not studying), that's just what I'm gonna do for a sec.

Right, dummy, the government can't punish you for your opinion, but the judges of the contest that you chose to enter can certainly dislike your glib, ill-conceived answer. Perhaps people would still criticize her for her point of view (I would), but I doubt if she had given a more thoughtful answer that she would be coming under such fire, which, btdubs, has probably brought her a degree of celebrity rarely enjoyed by a runner-up. Expect her country/Christian album to drop this fall.

Here's the deal - Miss Proposition 8 California can say whatever she wants to say, but any idiot in a contest knows you have to consider your judges - some of whom are raging homosexuals. This was no secret. Barbie knew her audience, and she was foolish not to expect such a question and prepare a more thoughtful response in advance. I hope she fired her coach immediately, because really, who didn't see that coming?

Anyhoo, my point is that I don't think she's being crucified for being true to herself or whatever because there was certainly another way to express much the same thing without seeming like such a fucking twit. Frankly, it sounded like what she meant was something along the lines of, "Hey, I'm okay with my hairstylist being able to visit his boyfriend in the hospital, I'm just too stupid to consider the distinction between religious and civil marriage." For that, I think she could easily be forgiven.

So here's what Barbie might have said, had she considered the topic in advance:

"Regardless of my personal religious convictions, I am glad that we live in a country where citizens are allowed to express their opinions and vote on important issues such as this. I think as was done in Vermont, states should continue letting the people choose what the laws in their state should be."

There you go. A total non-answer that would have been unlikely to offend anyone. It would pretty much reveal her opinion but also establish that she isn't a complete idiot. At worst, it'd earn her a hearty eye-roll from raging liberals such as myself, of which there are probably only five or six anyway. And also, at least we'd know she isn't so silly that it never occurred to her that such a question might be asked, because, really????

For the purposes of illustration, let’s pick a different topic, and compare some possible answers that might be given.

Question: Do you think race-based affirmative action, whether in education or in the workplace, is a good policy, and why?

Answer 1:
No way! Racial people shouldn’t be allowed to, uh, take jobs away from, like, regular people just ‘cuz they’re, like, black!

Answer 2:
I believe that the disadvantages faced by many Americans are a very real problem; however, I think there has to be a better solution to this problem because I believe that each person should be evaluated on the basis of his or her individual merits or qualifications.

Answer 3:
I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some, people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as, uh, South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and, I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, or, uh, should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries, so we will be able to build up our future, for our children.

Answer 1:

Answer 2:
Good. Essentially the same as Answer 1, only displays forethought and sensitivity rather than peroxide poisoning that has reached the nervous system.

Answer 3:
Drugs. Good ones.

Anyway. The girl's probably a nice girl, but she's a poor speaker, her implants look like shit, and she's dumb for not being better prepared.

That's all.

Monday, April 20, 2009

size matters

So I'm up WAY too late after drinking WAY too much coffee, but I got lots of studying done, so whatever. Anyhoo, I'm up in the middle of the night watching South Park, and I just saw a silly commercial for this

Excuse me, excuse me, but just what the hell is that supposed to do for me? Well, I mean, I know what it's supposed to do, but seriously? This thing looks like it runs on a one-time-use watch battery. And for nineteen ninety-nine?!
Sorry, Trojan, but I'm a grown-ass woman, so I need a little more than a buzzing thimble, knumsayin'? I think we can all agree that in one way or another size matters. For example, (straight) boys like their double D's

and I like mine.

Nuff said. Nite.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

yummiest thing ever

Thanks to Alyssa for pointing me toward Vegan Dad's blog, which has an assortment of the most DELICIOUS animal-less foods ever. Today I made his recipe for Vegan Sausages. I must admit I was skeptical because fake meats from the grocery store are decidedly freak-nasty, but these things came out AWESOME. Even Ryan is chowing down on them. I am not going to repost the recipe (linked above) here because it's probably copyrighted or something, but I made it exactly as directed, except I changed the seasoning. Instead of the Italian spices, I substituted

1/4 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon crushed caraway seeds
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram
1 teaspoon freshly ground white-pepper
1 teaspoon salt, or to taste

because I was more in the mood for bratwurst. Italian sausage tends to give me acid reflux, if you must know.

Anyway, they were super easy to make and magically delicious, and they both look and taste like meat. They even have a meaty texture, I swear. (That's what she said? *shrug*)

After the directed 40 minutes of steaming, I threw them on the grill (at like 400 degrees, just regular grilling temp) for about 5 minutes, until they had nice crispy grill marks on both sides. Then I completely ruined their veganness by covering them in cheddar cheese, but hey. No dead pigs.


I would post a picture, but I can't find my camera. Hmm.

Friday, April 17, 2009

wal-mart butt

Did you ever have the kind of day where you decided to go to Wal-mart, yes, Wal-mart in search of cheap weights, but instead of cheap weights you encountered, can it be, the fabled Perfect Pair of Jeans?

That's what kind of day I had. Of course, I had some trepidation about purchasing jeans from Wal-mart, nay, even being at Wal-mart, because really, what does it say about my body and proportions if I find the most perfectest pair of jeans ever in a store where almost all the female shoppers have had at least twenty children?

And is The Greasy-Shirted Poverty contagious? And what about The Unplanned Pregnancy? Because there was a SHITload of that going around.

But fuck it, they fit well, they are actually comfortable, they do NOT show my asscrack when I bend over (miracle!), and they were only eighteen dollars!

Eighteen dollars! Can I get a HELL YEAH??


So I buy my jeans, and I'm all, "So what if I bought pants from Wally World? Damn, I look magically lean and fabulous in these EIGHTEEN DOLLAR jeans! This is the best day of my life!" But I was a little disappointed that they didn't have the blue denim in my size, only black, so I thought, "I'll check the website when I get home." Which of course prompted me to have another "Is it okay that The Perfect Pair of Jeans" came from Wal-mart conversation with myself, only this time was worse because I planned to special order my CLOTHING from Wal-mart.

For a second time, I put aside my corporate prejudices and my worry that I might just be a member of Wal-mart's target consumer group (unemployed? check!) and checked the tag of my awesome new jeans that magically cover my bum and make me look and feel ever so skinny to determine the exact magical style so I could order the right ones in blue, and discovered a tag that read......


And then I jumped off a bridge. Been nice knowing you all.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Pregnancy tests and ultrasounds are tools we use to share Jesus."
-- Tricia Parker, director of Athens Pregnancy Center

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Day Like Any Other

Did you ever have the kind of day where you walked in to your Constitutional Law class, settled into your front row seat, and then were pleased to notice that your professor was looking especially SMOKIN' fucking hot, and then g-chat to your friend that you wouldn't mind giving your professor's ankle a little nibble on account of those sexy ass shoes she's wearing, only to have your professor then confiscate your laptop in the middle of class after you inadvertently click a youtube link that makes it BLARE music not once but twice?

And then did you nearly pee your pants with worry for the remaining 40 minutes of class that she might demand to see what kind of screwing around you were doing on the internets during her fascinating Free Exercise Clause lecture and thus might see the still-open chat window, revealing your newly developed foot fetish, which exists entirely because of her?

And then when all said and done, did you end up loving her extra because when you went to her office to apologize for being a douchey idiot, she immediately started to laugh and apologized to you because she felt guilty for embarrassing you and prancing around with your laptop in front of 80 people?

Anybody? No? Just me? Come on!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Straight people, listen up.

Sorry for the repost, facebookers.


This story (also copied below) makes it painfully impossible to ignore that anti-gay discrimination and hate speech affect us all. Think of this child's mother, finding her little boy dangling dead from an electrical cord. Any suicide is a tragedy, but an eleven year old feeling so bereft and terrified that he preferred to die rather than keep going to school each day to face ridicule and abuse is unthinkable. Or it should be, but now it's not because it happened.

By all accounts, Carl Walker-Hoover did not identify as gay. This fact should be irrelevant to the tragedy of his death; however, it throws into sharp relief the problems every single member of our society faces as a result of discrimination that is overwhelmingly participated in or tacitly approved of. Each time someone uses anti-gay hate speech, whether it be calling someone a fag or something as seemingly innocuous as using the word "gay" to describe something as stupid or pointless, it contributes to the cultural climate that led to this child's death. Each time you don't speak up when you hear this sort of speech, you approve.

Consider, if being gay weren't so often considered a terrible, terrible thing, would this have happened? Maybe. Maybe Carl would have been bullied in some other way, but I think we all know that because of the especially hateful and shameful stigma we have permitted to follow gayness, there is little worse that can be said to an adolescent boy.

Perhaps you are not gay. Perhaps you don't know anyone who is gay. Perhaps you think "gay issues" are someone else's fight. You are wrong. Carl wasn't gay, but hatred for gays and the abuse that so often comes with it killed him. Next time it could be you, your son, your sister. Anyone can suffer because of this.

I'm not asking everyone to march in a parade, go to a protest, or vote one way or another. I'm not even asking you to morally approve. What I ask, what I believe we need, is far more basic and fundamental and so very easy. All I ask is for you to consider, was Carl's life really worth less than all the times you've called someone a fag? Is it really worth it to be able to say "that's so gay" when you think something is ridiculous? I think we all know the answer to that. So please, think about what you say. Speak up when you hear someone saying something hateful. Don't approve. Don't be complacent. Stand up for us all, and stand up for our children, who Carl illustrates all too painfully, suffer the most.



GLSEN Calls on Schools, Nation to Embrace Solutions to Bullying Problem

NEW YORK, April 9, 2009 - An 11-year-old Massachusetts boy, Carl Joseph Walker-Hoover, hung himself Monday after enduring bullying at school, including daily taunts of being gay, despite his mother’s weekly pleas to the school to address the problem. This is at least the fourth suicide of a middle-school aged child linked to bullying this year.

Carl, a junior at New Leadership Charter School in Springfield who did not identify as gay, would have turned 12 on April 17, the same day hundreds of thousands of students will participate in the 13th annual National Day of Silence by taking some form of a vow of silence to bring attention to anti-LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) bullying and harassment at school. The other three known cases of suicide among middle-school students took place in Chatham, Evanston and Chicago, Ill., in the month of February.

"Our hearts go out to Carl’s mother, Sirdeaner L. Walker, and other members of Carl's family, as well as to the community suffering from this loss," GLSEN Executive Director Eliza Byard said. "As we mourn yet another tragedy involving bullying at school, we must heed Ms. Walker’s urgent call for real, systemic, effective responses to the endemic problem of bullying and harassment. Especially in this time of societal crisis, adults in schools must be alert to the heightened pressure children face, and take action to create safe learning environments for the students in their care. In order to do that effectively, as this case so tragically illustrates, schools must deal head-on with anti-gay language and behavior."

Two of the top three reasons students said their peers were most often bullied at school were actual or perceived sexual orientation and gender expression, according to From Teasing to Torment: School Climate in America, a 2005 report by GLSEN and Harris Interactive. The top reason was physical appearance.

"As was the case with Carl, you do not have to identify as gay to be attacked with anti-LGBT language," Byard said. "From their earliest years on the school playground, students learn to use anti-LGBT language as the ultimate weapon to degrade their peers. In many cases, schools and teachers either ignore the behavior or don’t know how to intervene."

Nearly 9 out of 10 LGBT youth (86.2%) reported being verbally harassed at school in the past year because of their sexual orientation, nearly half (44.1%) reported being physically harassed and about a quarter (22.1%) reported being physically assaulted, according to GLSEN’s 2007 National School Climate Survey of more than 6,000 LGBT students.

In most cases, the harassment is unreported. Nearly two-thirds of LGBT students (60.8%) who experience harassment or assault never reported the incident to the school. The most common reason given was that they didn’t believe anything would be done to address the situation. Of those who did report the incident, nearly a third (31.1%) said the school staff did nothing in response. While LGBT youth face extreme victimization, bullying in general is also a widespread problem. More than a third of middle and high school students (37%) said that bullying, name-calling or harassment is a somewhat or very serious problem at their school, according to From Teasing to Torment. Bullying is even more severe in middle school. Two-thirds of middle school students (65%) reported being assaulted or harassed in the previous year and only 41% said they felt very safe at school.

Carl's suicide comes about a year after eighth-grader Lawrence King was shot and killed by a fellow student in a California classroom, allegedly because he was gay.

GLSEN recommends four simple approaches schools can take to begin addressing bullying now.

Said Walker in the Springfield Republican: "If anything can come of this, it's that another child doesn't have to suffer like this and there can be some justice for some other child. I don't want any other parent to go through this."

GLSEN, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, is the leading national education organization focused on ensuring safe schools for all students. Established nationally in 1995, GLSEN envisions a world in which every child learns to respect and accept all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression. GLSEN seeks to develop school climates where difference is valued for the positive contribution it makes to creating a more vibrant and diverse community. For information on GLSEN's research, educational resources, public policy advocacy, student organizing programs and educator training initiatives, visit www.glsen.org.