Friday, April 17, 2009

wal-mart butt

Did you ever have the kind of day where you decided to go to Wal-mart, yes, Wal-mart in search of cheap weights, but instead of cheap weights you encountered, can it be, the fabled Perfect Pair of Jeans?

That's what kind of day I had. Of course, I had some trepidation about purchasing jeans from Wal-mart, nay, even being at Wal-mart, because really, what does it say about my body and proportions if I find the most perfectest pair of jeans ever in a store where almost all the female shoppers have had at least twenty children?

And is The Greasy-Shirted Poverty contagious? And what about The Unplanned Pregnancy? Because there was a SHITload of that going around.

But fuck it, they fit well, they are actually comfortable, they do NOT show my asscrack when I bend over (miracle!), and they were only eighteen dollars!

Eighteen dollars! Can I get a HELL YEAH??

HELL YEAH!!!

So I buy my jeans, and I'm all, "So what if I bought pants from Wally World? Damn, I look magically lean and fabulous in these EIGHTEEN DOLLAR jeans! This is the best day of my life!" But I was a little disappointed that they didn't have the blue denim in my size, only black, so I thought, "I'll check the website when I get home." Which of course prompted me to have another "Is it okay that The Perfect Pair of Jeans" came from Wal-mart conversation with myself, only this time was worse because I planned to special order my CLOTHING from Wal-mart.

For a second time, I put aside my corporate prejudices and my worry that I might just be a member of Wal-mart's target consumer group (unemployed? check!) and checked the tag of my awesome new jeans that magically cover my bum and make me look and feel ever so skinny to determine the exact magical style so I could order the right ones in blue, and discovered a tag that read......

"HIDDEN SLIMMING PANEL."

And then I jumped off a bridge. Been nice knowing you all.

2 comments:

Mary said...

Reminds me of the time my mom said, "I found you the cutest shirt. It would have looked so cute on you, but when I looked at it, the tag said 'maternity.'"

katie.bar.the.door said...

And then i cracked up.

Incidentally, the word verification thingy that's supposed to protect you from Spammy McSpamster comments? It wants me to spell mullet. I kid you not.

Also, this 'katie.bar.the.door' person is Katie Elliott. As in, me.